Big things come in little packages

So we found this after dinner in Seattle our first night and had to preserve it on film. We couldn't believe what we saw. Then I realized we were in a Chinese restaurant and it was maybe there for asians to deal with our, er "shortcomings". Kind of like one of those inspirational posters people hang up from a Successories store. Except this one doesn't have a picture of a sperm whale with the word "ACHIEVE".

And in case you were wondering, worried, scared or puzzled...that is Will's finger.

For the birds

I dated an asian girl once who had one of those masks. I think it was to prevent bird flu but she would wear it to bed during sex. When we were done you could say it looked like a winshield after going through a haupia car wash.

Brought to you by your local DMV

I will use this blog for the greater good and post this educational piece for all to see.

When driving on a two lane highway, the left lane is for PASSING!

Perhaps you should turn down your Jurrasic Park soundtrack, put the cell phone down and pay attention.

Yes, you, fuckface.

I feel so much better. Thanks.

My favorite instrumental music ever

Maybe it was just the helicopter free of landing gear flying through the green lush hills of Costa Rica (real life Hawaii) that made me swoon. Or it could have been the feel of impending danger. I'm glad I wasn't on that island. But I'm nothing but appalled that they made sequels. The same musical piece is in all three. I wish I had it as a ring tone and for my alarm clock and in my car as a seat belt reminder and as walking music anytime I strolled a hallway.

Accelerator down after filling up

I used to have that same experience. I'd put 10 or so gallons into the "masterbaker" (my 90' nissan stanza) and try to catch up to the cars I already passed. I would usually judge my progress by the amount of cars that I could remember. The easiest cars to remember were the funny ones like grandma in back, asleep on window, old lady with blinker on since I passed her 15 miles back, and asshole who drives 56 mph in the far left lane with no recollection of where his rear view mirror is. Back then, on the east coast, I thought I had it bad. Then I met Asian women, and don't get me started on those welder masks.

I drove home today

Have you ever pulled over for gas on a long road trip and thought to yourself "now I'm gonna have to spend the next 50 miles passing every idiot driver I just finished passing for the LAST 50 miles". Maybe it's just me.

An opening ceremony I'd like to see

I love the pic on your last post. It looks like in 2012 there will be a 200 meter, 2 girls, 1 cup competition at the Olympics. Though they may want to wait until Germany hosts.

As for the coffee table, we could head to IKEA, pick up the DANSKLANPDUMBLEDOR glass table top, fill ourselves up with Swedish Meatballs for $1.99 and head home with our allen wrenches for a rockin' fun time. Of course, by the time we actually assemble the table, we may be too pooped to poop.

3 followers and counting

While searching for cool options and nifty add-ons in our blog i found a way to add my picture to my profile. I also found that we have a third follower. First there was Jesse then myself and then our third follower "loves a good hot carl". there are only a few people who i think this could be. If HKDS had a small female or male following i would guess them first, but he doesnt. Im clueless...Also check out my inappropriately cropped photo. and then buy a glass coffee table so the three of us can come over ...AFTER a meal

Not to be outdone...

Taco Bell has come out with the Fiesta Hot Carl Crunch Wrap Supreme. This one is a warm tortilla stuffed with creamy refried beans and corn. All wrapped in plastic...of course. Try it with their Fire sauce for that burning sensation.

One night in Bangkok

So one of our avid followers...ok the ONLY follower...suggested that you and I have a "fabulous bromance". Which got me to thinking, you like asians and I like caucasians. I guess all that's left is for me to travel to Thailand and become that ladyboy I always dreamed of being. You just have to decide if you want franks & beans or clam dip for the rest of your life.

If I may get serious for a bit...

Can I just say that my partner in crime is just about as great a friend as anyone can find? I just spent a great week on vacation complete with double stouts, missed opportunities, $80,000 turkey gravy AND tepanyaki! You complete me. It's too bad that prop 8 was passed because homosexuals like you are one in a million and you deserve all the happiness that man on man action can bring.

Don't cry over spilled milk

So last night as I walked back to my car I slipped and fell, spilling a large cup of cream I was bringing back home for Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. I fell hard on my back, couldn't breathe and there was cream everywhere while people watched. It was like a gay bukake video.

Kung Pau Turkey

Did I mention that Will's coming over for Thanksgiving? An Asian and a Jew celebrating the white man's invasion of Native American territory. The menu will consist of fried rice, latkas and hot and sour matzo ball soup.

LA to SJ in 5 hours

So as I drove up to San Jose yesterday, I began to smell the faint odor of fresh manure. I immediately knew I was coming up on the famed "Cow Mountain". Thousands of cows as far as the eye could see. No I wasn't driving past a Jenny Craig. Just miles of pasture with a billion cows all belching in unison and thereby contributing to our global warming crisis. That's a fact I heard on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Thank goodness for that show, otherwise I would have no idea what's going on in the world. That show and Wikipedia. Did you know that if you Wikipedia "Wikipedia" your browser opens a website for liars anonymous? I'm not sure why.

As opposed to...

Movie titles that already sound like gay porn:

The Rock
Ironman
Free Willy
Hancock
High School Musical

Edward Penishands...

Porn based on movie titles I'd like to see...

Swordfist
Pearl's Harbor
Quantum of Anus
The Little Hermaid
School of Cock
Lay Anything
Impregster Gadget
Spongebob Squarepants 2: Search for the Chocolate Starfish

Really?!

Wait, Shoes For Crews has a STORE?! It's like I died and went to slip-resistant heaven. You know what else is slip-resistant? The floor in a porno theater. Now THAT is heaven.

Also, I have never been with a "working girl", but it would seem that the economy...oh wait, I have.

Sales at the seashore declining

Judging by the fact that we received no calls yesterday, the downward spiraling economy has really hit everyone, every those who sell their bodies. You'd think streetwalkers would still do well. After you lose your job why not drink yourself to death and shack up with a hooker? Or even cut out the coupons in the pennysaver for the 2 for 1 erotic massage. I used to have a good 5-10 joke bit on prostitution. It started with an amateur complaining about the services rendered from the professional. And the punchline... " you don't like what I did, who are you? I have sex for a living. Turns out you can't practice that material unless your in front of a group of prostitutes. Without practice the jokes evaporated. And with that set dying, so did my love for all things "sex" that cost money. Sorry sex workers of America, no matter how bad the economy, I can't justify spending the money. I'm just going to cry the whole time about forgotten jokes and E.D.

airports and shoe stores

DFW, DSW. They're pretty similar if your a one eyed KM or a frequent flyer who forgets their shoes on planes all the time. Don't feel bad, later on, after our civil union you'll get to experience... ORD, ALB, KIX, JFK, MRY, MIA, LAS, and SEA. And don't forget... Famous Footwear, Footlocker, Payless Shoesource, Shoe Palace and the brick and mortar Shoes For Crews store in LAS.

the Twinkie Cowboy

I'm pretty sure that Twinkie Cowboy was a professional wrestler in a previous life.
1. He looks like he's trying to get the crowd to cheer louder and support him while his his opponent lies "helpless" until right before he jumps and the guy moves out of the way.
2. I'm not sure if the camel clutch an ethnic move that only Arabs can do, but, this Twinkie Cowboy sure looks like he's going crab the twinkies chin and pull.
3. He's already got an outfit / theme / ethnicity. You got to have that going for you to even get into the ring. He's obviously a gun slinging, chew spitting, cow roping Cowboy who lassos his opponents with some sort of rope. The rope will eventually contribute to his demise, when is hung from the rafters in a Death Match gone wrong, cream everywhere!

I wasn't going to say anything...

But how gay is that photo?!

I was gonna follow up with either:

a. That's the new mascot for Arena Football.
b. That's my Halloween costume next year.
c. That's the new marketing campaign for Twinkies in West Hollywood, The Castro and...Pittsburgh.

The reason we get along...

...is because I'm yellow on the outside and filled with white cream on the inside. Wait, that came out wrong.

House of Asia

I think the reason we invite you to Thanksgiving is so that someone can reach the can of cranberry sauce on the top shelf. Anyway, don't Jews spend Thanksgiving in Chinese restaurants?

Call now!

Since we wanted this to be an actual morning radio show I figured we need the "phrase that pays". Today's is "Susie sells herself to make up for her daddy issues by the seashore".

Sweet turducken...may it RIP

Did you know that Turducken actually made its way into the Stephen Colbert Show last night? Hard to believe that was only a year ago when we spent 90 hours online searching for it, driving 90 miles to buy it, spending 90 dollars on it, cooking cooling and cooking for 90 thousand minutes and then having 90 plates of leftovers because no one really ate it.

Do you have these in size faaaabulous?

After reading your post, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how Fabio got a golf cart into a shoe store?! Then I actually READ your post.

New York City Boy

Every time i see the picture of "swordfightinthemorning" at the top, i think of the Pet Shop Boys. That picture could be them 25 or 30 years ago. here is an updated picture, time really does heal all wounds...no matter how deep or stretched.

no fowl more foul

with all the extra time we'll have this year, I plan on getting drunk earlier in the day. Most likely at your brothers house with all the other Asians. I'll confess now that after the beer, wine and Crown I will probably be spending alot of time proclaiming my love to all the hot Asian ladies and there daughters. Bless those holidays and the memories that we get to have after each year.

no triple fowl this year

I'm kinda sad we don't have all the extra responsibility of locating, securing, storing, cooking, transporting, cooking again, and serving of a TurDuckHen. I remember smiling the entire week leading up to thanksgiving last year. The whole experience was 95% awesome. Until it was time to eat it. Chicken and Duck that have been spiced, packed with stuffing and frozen taste exactly the same and weren't worth the chewing energy. And with all that bird on bird on bird action it took forever to cook. Like the turkey and the duck were to busy gettin' freaky to realize they were in a 500 degree oven.

homoginization of butter flavoring

once while walking through DFW, I ran into Fabio. Well not really ran into, but his golf cart almost ran me over. It was the weirdest thing, he was the passenger and was on high alert (maybe red or yellow what ever the highest is). The gold cart was adorned with hanging tassels from where the windshield would be all the way to the back. The whole time I was waiting and wishing for that bird to hit him in the nose. He still pushes that chemical spread we use for buttering our corn and fists with right?

Ted Turner ruined a classic

I think the B&W version of our photo at the bottom of the page represents our TV signal signing on for the very first time. Kind of like how all I saw was B&W the first time I tried being a power bottom.

Forget the Captain Crunch shake...

Yesterday for dinner I went to Carl's Jr and had their new Six-Dollar Hot Carl Bacon Burger. It wasn't really a burger...just a hot dog bun filled with runny chili wrapped in plastic wrap.

www.urbandictionary.com

That's some fukt porn

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One of these days...

I want to change the name of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' to 'I Can't Believe This Gets My Fist In'.

For your protection

So the first thing I saw in the office today was a security wand metal detector. I guess we got it to find silverware. If I was in the Oakridge office, I'd know it was to search the staff.

Which reminds me, what white trash text did you actually send to the radio station? Was it "I have a man crush on an Asian guy"?

Now that I think about it...

I've always known you to have a big bag of seed.

On your chin.

I love fake boobs...

Mmmm, and I would have flown the coop too...if you catch my drift. You may be right, so don't get too mushy on me since it wasn't you I was there 3 times a week to see. And you're also right that I often do "ask for it" getting all dolled up with lipstick, high heels and a gallon of White Diamonds. Or am I thinking of Maria?

CAUTION!

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3 seconds of public notariety

i texted in to a radio station today...They read it over the air. Turns out the only thing i had to say, truly brought out my inner white trash. Thanks Live 105 and new affinity to texting. pinche iPhone

for those of you that were curious

Are those sunflower seeds in my pocket or is it a sunflower seed bag void of seeds, now occupied by rubber gloves, horse tranquilizers, and "snugger fit" condoms. You be the judge.

a's game pic

the picture at the bottom of this page, a black and white fuzzy photo of 2 friends in a parking lot, posing and unloading is of poor quality and taste. I have the clear color version which clearly depicts you "asking for IT". I may or may not be smiling but I sure am thinking of smiling. Come to think of it, that was before we truly knew we would end up like this. Our actual meeting was in the office months before your training began. You were there to pick up a cake an ogle the coop. All I could think was who is this corporate guy wearing dirty hiking boots and what is he doing here.

Hey btw,

thes bloger thing has a spel cheq. I suggess you yoose it.

Speaking of whores...

Do you think Strawberry Shortcake has seeds on her nipples?

I guess I'll end up harassing every cartoon we ever grew up with. Don't worry He-Man, I'll get to you soon enough, and no safeword is gonna save you this time.

Had to get this last one in before bed.

Wouldn't it be funny if...

...Shel Silverstein died crossing the street?

Look it up. That's as intellectual as this blog will ever get.

Blogging is fun...

Kinda like masturbating, but without having to clean the ceiling.

If a tree fell in the middle of a forrest...

...and I fucked it. Would anyone hear it scream?

www.shakethatbear.com

I'm sorry. That last comment may have crossed the line...

Ok, I sat here for a minute and thought about the Patriot act. Which reminded me of the movie Enemy State which is such a good movie. You know the one about Will Smith being spied on. I haven't seen it in a long time. In fact I should go put that on right now. Oooh, and make popcorn. Anyway, in case the FBI is watching, I don't REALLY like children to be strippers.

Just the hot ones.

A limo, stripper pole and a Jew walk into a bar...

As for a pole in a limo, I did see it performed in the porno "Darby O'Dildo & the Clitto People" and "Wizard of Aahs".

Actually, it would work with MY kind of strippers...kids.

Andy the Asian says...a thousand points of right...

1. I have SOME body hair. They're just slanted. And good at math.

2. Actually, I guess a tranny Transformer would be a Deceptacon. Or at least that's what I would call that "girl" that tricked me once at a bar in Hollywood. Ok, twice.

3. Jeff told me that slamming it would work. Unless that was just his way of getting me to show him my penis. I wondered why we had the discussion in the liquor room.

a few points

1. I already assumed the Asian with no body hair would choose to be the burley guy with the stash.
2. We already have transgender transformers... They're called HERMS
3. How is it possible for you to remember every activity and act you perform with a sourdough bagette when most of the time your half blacked out from trying to make your penis bigger by slammnling in the door jam of your car.
4. Not really a point more of a question. If you have a stripper pole in your limo can it only be performed on by midgets?

I don't mean to ask, but...

...can I be the guy with the hat and the mustache? Thanks.

Speaking of Transformers...

I found this in an old email:

In the original series, wasn't there a female Transformer? I think her headlights were her boobs and her sunroof turned into a giant vagina.

Which made me wonder:

Would a shemale Transformer be a Transgenderformer? It would probably be a Hybrid.

Uh, btw...

...stop sniffing the oven cleaner. You'll need it since I baked a sourdough baguette, rubbed it along my taint and consequently spooged all over the wire racks. Have you ever smelled burnt spunk?! What am I saying, of course you have.

I'd also stay away from ordering a Factory Burger.

Not so big trouble in little China...

Well, last I heard a Yellow Jacket is an asian condom.

Yellow Jackets???

Really Yellow Jackets....? I don't even know what those are.. I do know that now yellow jackets are over the counter up-ers that enable the Boost Mobile models to function, and perform?, while the real drug to stay away from is crack. It KILLS form what I hear. oh and that drug that poor people use instead cocaine, which may in fact be crack or some derivative of baking soda that doesn't make cookies rise. i heard inhaling oven cleaner is bad too, but it sure does make my eyes water and the oven shiny

Which begs the question...

What's a Smurf's cure for Blue Balls?

Ok, that one was a bit junior high.

Fuck you.

What's the point?!

If a Smurf tried to make a pearl necklace it would just look like Smurfette was sweating. On her neck.

You know what?!

What ever happened to Yellow Jackets? Remember those? In school it was always stay away from uppers, downers, yellow jackets and barbituates.

You don't hear about anyone overdosing on Yellow Jackets anymore. I miss the good ole days.

Vocabulary update...

Throbbing, erupt and bukake are some of my favorite words.

Oh, and manseed.

A show I'd like to see...

...is Puppetry, but with women. Of course, it would only be a 10 minute show with a hibiscus and that rubber coin purse I had when I was 7.

How we met...

I was opening the restaurant one morning and I had to really take a shit. Then I realized it was just Will's finger.

The rest is history.

If...

If I were gay I would get so much attention that I would have to beat them off with a stick. Or at the very least, my hand.

It is 12:41pm on Sunday, November 16, 2008...

...as we begin our very first broadcast.

I'm Jesse on the left with Will on the right.

This is the official start of all things funny, not so funny and anything in between.