Is it just me, or...

do midgets have really big asses?

Blind people cant see the future

Would you believe me if I told you that most blind people hate hybrid cars? Word is they're scared they might walk in front of one because they are so quiet, almost silent. Pretty sure I've never seen a crushed dog in a harness under a Prius or a red and white walking stick smashed into pieces around the tires of a Civic hybrid. If I'm getting around 50 miles to the gallon and super concerned about stretching every ounce of fuel, that last thing I want to do is drag a blind man and his harnessed dog down the street. Friction alone would drop me to at least 30 MPG. And don't get me started on poor aerodynamics

What a girl wants.....

Funny you bring up length. Just the other day you had to clear something up for me, and I'm glad you did. I had been telling people that for me; from largest to smallest it went pubes, balls, penis. Apparently I had things out of sorts and order. You'll be happy to know I decided to do a little switch-a-roo. I might have ruined my facial hair trimmer and wasted a bunch of time with swinging weights but now it goes PENIS, balls, pubes. Success!

WTF??!!

This woman has...

A. Just found out that Chicago was not chosen to host the 2016 Olympic Games.
B. Just realized she wasted 2 hours reading this blog.

or

C. Just learned that when my cohost told her 8 inches, it was how long the erection lasts, not how long it is. And that his elementary school taught time in units of length.

Honey, do I look salty in this?

I also notice that half the cans are regular SPAM and half are 25% less sodium.

Kind of a HIS and HERS gift pack.

Just in time for the holidays...

So the Valley Faire Safeway sells a SPAM gift package?!

This is the perfect gift for that "hard to shop for" Hawaiian friend whose only two interests are illegal porn that can't be shipped from Bangkok, and actually banging kok.

From hawaii to grocery outlet with love

Turns out the dirtiest, poorest and absolute worst super market chain out there has a direct supply line from the islands. Just in time for the holidays, a gift set with 1,000,000 times your recommended daily intake of sodium and a press to pair it with rice. Too bad they don't have a press that cuts penis shapes....See earlier posts :Monday December 8th 2008.

Trick or Treat...or just turning Tricks

Looks like my domestic partner/co host has to look no further for this year's Halloween costume than this Burger "King". He's even already got the God awful beard to go with it. Just spray on some BK Flame and he'll be ready to hit Boy's Town as the King Daddy.

Just don't ask him to show you his sceptor.

Dr. Who?

And it's "Tila"..."Tia" means "actually possessing talent"

"Table"? Is that what Tila is calling her vagina these days?

I Dont Support Domestic Violence

But I love to watch a no holds barred 3 round table match in which to win, you must slam your opponent through a table. Good luck Tia Tequila!

Crips always come out on top.

In all things politically correct or gang related the Crips always seem to be the winners. Been to T.G.I. Friday's lately? They're all laid out the same. Bar in the center, upper level seating, covered indoor patio and that really cool old phone booth. I remember always wanting to use that phone booth to call Dr. Who. I never made that call...and now I never will. Thanks Crips!?!

Mornings

Nothing's better than waking up with a hot cup o' joe.

And coffee is good too.

ONE NIGHT ONLY

Even John Wilkes Booth would kill for one...

I suppose this new blue fat seat could also be considered a "booth" by the so called insecure couples. These are the same ones who turn a rectangular table for two 90 degrees to "create" their own booth for two. Usually only happens in places like Oakridge (or any town with the word "Oak" in it) with guys who have baggie jeans and gold chains. It's sorta like marking their property. It's a whole lot better than him urinating on her before the appetizers arrive.

I guess in this world of LOL, TTYL and ROTF's some of us just want a little PDA.

For when Jared rode the subway instead of eating one

I saw this last night on Chelsea Live and wanted to share it with you. In Brazil they have started to install these new chairs in subway stations for those who are slightly heavier. Not only does the obvious blue color coding target you as a fatty, but I thought white makes you look thinner?

Also, take careful notice of where the seat is bolted to the floor. Yes, right below the fat seat. I call this style of engineering the "see-saw theorem of mass potential".

Ugly people with low self asteem

You know who requests a booth? People who are insecure. The guys that are afraid that if their girlfriend has anything else besides them to look at, they will. LOSERS. Contrastley the people who request a table are either too fat to squeeze into a booth or... want something, anything that could possibly give them a distraction from their date. I know in OUR case we couldn't care less. As long as the establishment serves food and alcohol were fine. Our dates will look like supermodels in the end. OH! and we will fall asleep before any of that matters anyway.

Bitter, party of one

When I open my own restaurant, I'm going to name it "Booths" and every table will be a booth and all we will sell are booths...because apparently that's all people want in a restaurant.

In fact, even the bathroom will be just one long booth with holes cut into them.

Just because it's illegal, doesn't mean it's wrong

I'm sure you're right. Sometimes your mom sat in the back with you.

TFLN to good for me

Turns out Text From Last Night is to good to post my submissions. I thought they were funny. Others thought the were disgusting. You be the judge.......

(412). I just peed into an empty Sobe bottle in the back seat of my car while my girlfriend drove me home with my mom in the passenger seat. Drunk White Trash

(425). I just threw up a little bit in my mouth

(412). YUCK. It's a family affair!

Who doesn't think that's funny? By the way, I had just consumed a few too many drinks at a baseball game. It's not like I did that all the time or sat myself in the back seat everytime three of us went anywhere.

And you thought I was dead...

Sometimes you just need a break, From everything! Back now! not full time but surely part time. to post, insult, rant, complain, and embarrass.

I Don't Remember Any of That!

Just because I think my cohost may get a kick out of this website, I'm posting it here:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Unfortunately, I could have placed this on my other pages, but he has a phobia of myspace, twitter, facebook and any girl without male genitalia.

Here's a sample:

"I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore."

Only because I ran out of regular...

Decaf coffee is the cocktease of the java world.

Just wonderin'

Is it gay...if you just hold it?

Twuper Tweet...

Btw, I also spent June trying to figure out this twitter thing everyone's on these days. So far all I've figured out is that Ashton Kutcher has a hell of a lot of time on his hands when he's not busy dusting off his wife's vulva. Well, if you want to see me twitter my twaint and twat then twollow me at http://twitter.com/misterzer0.

Where the fuck did June go?!

Wow, it's been over a month since our last post. We were pretty busy getting our gay innuendo on in good ole Seattle. The first time...well, you never forget it. So, I'm back from vacation, got a full bottle of anti-depressants and ready to blog ahead into the great wide gaping unknown that I like to call my "co-host's chocolate starfish".

Self Parkers!

So my cohost and I went to a Sunday Sparkling Wine Brunch this weekend at the posh Castaway Restaurant in the upper crust Burbank Hills, which turned out to be a delightful find. My '95 Civic barely made it up the steep hill and as I pulled up I asked the valet if there was self parking. After looking at my car and the BMW behind me he gladly pointed me in the right direction. That direction happened to be down the hill behind the restaurant which is apparently also the employee parking, delivery area and trash dump. Not surprisingly, every car was either a Taurus or a Kia and I swear there was a guy with a cart selling pork rinds and kids swatting at a pinata. All of it worth the $3.50 I saved.

Depeche Mode Tour Dates Cancelled

I heard on the radio that Depeche Mode was back on tour but had to cancel some dates because lead singer David Gahan was ill. The details that were given..."complications associated with explosive diarrhea". Ruined shorts? Immediate loss of friends? Mud butt? Messy drivers seat? Burned out "O" ring? No more underwear in one piece? Toilet paper deficit? You name the reason, it could have been any one, or all of them. I'm no PR guy or Publicist, But it definitely wasn't just "stomache flu."

Asian + one + one more = Eiffel Tower

Glad to hear that I was indeed invited to the wedding and I hope the wedding party is an attractive one. I hear that at most weddings they are more willing for one night stands since they tend to feel a bit lonely. Well my friend, just remember, you have someone back home waiting for you so I have first dibs on whichever groomsman is willing to go through with it. I'll be sure to put a hanger on the door to make sure you don't disturb us. But, knowing you, you'll think it's an abortion clinic and walk right in to protest.

Politically Incorrect

Oops! In my last post I made a reference to 'Midget Porno'. I didn't mean to offend anyone and if I did, I'm very sorry. I should have used the term midget adult films.

Short films

One time I auditioned to be in a Midget Porno. Unfortunately, even their cocks were bigger.

The problem with ringtones

Not sure what part of "I'm with my girl" was unclear, but last night I heard 'Crocket's Theme' ringing on my phone. The quickest way for me to lose an erection is by picturing a tall, skinny, bearded Jew sitting in front of his PS3 in boxers. Oy Vey.

Great News For Us

I got Nick and Krystal's wedding invitation in the mail today. It only had space for me, so I texted them to clarify. You are invited as my "plus one". Better pick out a good wedding gift. I already have mine. Its going to be cash, in an envelope, that equals the amount spent for one person to attend.(save the date magnet, invitation+stamps, RSVP+included stamps, reception and [fingers crossed] OPEN BAR. See you in Washington, when we can be together again, my little Asian plus one.

A show thats worse

I really didn't know that "24" was so highly rated. I never actually got into it. Kiefer Sutherland was never a real draw for me. I get the concept 1 day=24 hours, 24 episodes an hour each. But each episode is real time 60 minutes? I understand him fighting crime, world terrorists, or what ever without sleeping, but when does he shit? A whole day without one number 2! If I were the lead, and the show was still on network television, they would have to call it 22 and a half. The sheer visits alone not to mention the length (of time, not stool) would take at least 90 minutes. Call me FX

This...is...SPARTA!!! If 'sparta' was Latin for 'gay'.

And don't forget the advertising dollars from IKEA, Asia SF, Trojan and Price Fister. Yes, I meant to leave out the extra "P". Who ever thought we'd make it to 100 posts let alone 200. That's reason to celebrate, but let's not forget to raise our glasses to the true heroes here...our fans, most of whom have to spend hours sifting through the rubble to find that one joke that may have actually been a little somewhat tad bit wee funny. Penis.

200th post celebration

I cant believe it's been 200 hundred posts already! I also cant believe that to help us celebrate, Blogger has offered us a money making opportunity. The bill above would be payment for an entire year of advertisers ransacking our blog with spots for $5 footlongs, unlimited tans, and car insurance from a gecko carrying a wad of cash with eyes on it. The 200 Ruble bill is from 1993 and is only worth 6.10072 US Dollars. Hey! Turns our our value is entirely intangible......not worthless, like mom says.

Err, excuse me, but...

The Simpsons are not exactly pulling in the ratings these days. In last week's Nielsen ratings, Family Guy ranked 14th behind Idol and Fringe with 24 coming in after. That "Bart" show was nowhere to be found. Stewie is the ultimate badass. Sorry.

electric cellist Marston Smith

No trip to Palm Springs is complete without a trip to the Thursday night street fair. It includes food, crafts, jerky, nick naks, and He-Man wearing a sweatband and gold chest plate, playing a cello powered by electricity. Note in the forefront the high powered fan (normally used for drying carpet and floor) blowing his golden locks into air behind him.
Send all complaints and "CD orders" to... marstonsmith@charter.net

schedge

All lowercase, no parenthesis, just the brink of pop culture. No one call Websters or anything just yet, but listen to my case.

Schedge [skej] n- slang, abbreviation for schedule. Used mostly by people of whom English is a second language. see schedule.

You see, after hearing it in the restaurants of California for months, I and other managers incorporated into our vernacular. "I need time to finish my..., Let me look at my.., and the most often heard... Hey! whats up with the Schedge. Now it can be heard on 30Rock (NBC's top rated show) and the Simpsons (FOX's ONLY rated show other than idol). Who do I see about a footnote?

My Foreign Affairs Policy

If I were president I would have a revolutionary foreign policy. Free plane tickets from Mexico to Afghanistan, Iraq and North Korea. I'll even pay for fake passports and visas. Swine Flu masks, inoculation and immunizations not included!

Or maybe...

the blog got a hold of the fact that when I was younger, while the other kids were bobbing for apples, I was bobbing for sausages.

I could have sworn I had those tapes destroyed...or turned in to the FBI.

I hate moving

So I was wondering for about a week now who was viewing our blog from West Hollywood. A new follower perhaps. Then I realized it was me. Is the blog so powerful, so all knowing that it reviewed my posts, determined my sexual orientation and moved my zip code to the homosexual capital of California? Sort of like when my TiVo kept recommending 'Queer as Folk' and any show playing on Logo.

Why would they be in a karaoke bar anyway?

I kind of think it's in poor taste to sign "Don't Stop Believin'" to a group of deaf people. Bringing their hopes up like that...sigh. And the last thing I want to hear in a bar is a deaf person singing "Doon Smop Bigeeenin".

It must be a "sign"

Not an eight sided, red piece of metal that says stop. Not when you're thinking about your ex and your "song" comes on the radio. Not when you have a nightmare about a plane crash, deboard and then it crashes. More like... Dirty karaoke bar, one microphone, two people. The two stand uncomfortably apart as the "don't stop believing" piano solo starts up. The guy looks as if going to sing alone...."just a small town girl....". His partner (at the command of her shouting friends in the crowd "SIGN LANGUAGE".) She starts it up as well [arms only]. Nothing funnier than the guy belting it out as she struggles to keep up, laughing hysterically and almost falling from the stage flailing arms and all.

Top 5 Asian karaoke songs...

1. Ruck Be A Rady
2. The Rook of Rove
3. Rove In An Erebator
4. Reabing On A Jeto Prane
5. Ribin' Ra Bida Roca

I was young and needed the money...

True, but that was featured only once...in my Bangkok premiere "Fists of Fury".

THAT BIG = THAT WIDE and stretched out

Yes it is that big. But why, even as a gay porn name would you advertise that you can fit two hands up there?

Its THAT big...

If I were a gay porn star my stage name would be "Dos Manos".

But do they make it with soy milk?

Starbucks just introduced their Hot Carlmel Dark Chocolate Macchiatto. A creamy mix of vanilla, chocolate and whatever your Barista had for dinner the night before. Best if ordered steaming, of course. And, there's no need for a lid...just let it ooze right down your throat.

Mmmm, make mine a Venti!

Kink

I met a girl the other night at a bar in Hollywood. We came back to my place and things got real hot and heavy in the bedroom. Then she asked me if I was into scat. I told her I totally was and then I threw a plate at her head and watched it scatter all over the place.

It is my favorite...

Why else do you think I date guys from Oakland.

And what's the picture of the two beer bottles have to do with any of this?

Jesse's Favorite

If you like it extra dark, extra big and extra cheap.... This ones for you....Double Black Stout.

Prized for their friction

Your missing the best attribute of the "Steel Toe Hoss". They provide the highest amount of friction among all slip resistant footwear. I'd give you all the specs in one concise rant, me being the SFC expert I am, but i'll spare you the earache. Instead I'll let you decide how much friction you really want, when all you are wearing are the boots and you and your bedroom are covered in half a bottle of water resistant lube.

Moving the comment to a post, for easier access

Funky Tina Cantina was bought out by that English pub...Ye Ole Bloody Canal.

Ring Toss

Now available from Shoes For Crews...the Steel Toe Hoss with detchable cock ring! And it comes with two rings, perfect for a swordfight in the morning.

I already ordered mine...in a size 14.

They should've used balsa wood

And I remember The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub. That's where we met. Except yours is so small one has to put their lips through the glory hole so you can reach.

Of course, I shouldn't talk. Both of ours together would make it the size it should be.

The other day...

I went into Subway to get a $5 footlong. I was disappointed to find out it's a sandwich.

I think...

it may have been at the Redi & Taykit Room.

That bar used to be the Watering Hole, but are now under new management.

Bottom five "you know what" bars

5. Fairy's
4. Pat's
3. (mu)Stash
2. Cavern Tavern
1. The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub

P.S....... I think I saw those monkey ass snacks at the Redi Room

Sukebe desu ne!

Another great product from Japan...this one is some kind of curly corn snack of sorts that are best when sucked on. Whatever it is the package suggests something else. If I could read Japanese I would guess that the name of the snack is Curry Rice Crackers...or Anal Rape.

Top 5 "you know what" Bar Names...

1. Man Hole
2. One-Eyed Jacks
3. Meat Me At Joes
4. Spears
5. The Salty Stream

And you forgot...

"...or ON the girls".

You know those Japanese...such pervs.

Wait wait wait

So it's a portable bathroom device? In the shape of a milk carton? So I get it, girls couldn't use it. But why would they? Women's restrooms in Japan are just tiled holes in the ground. My real question is, if it's shaped like a milk carton, does it also have missing persons on the side? Like a Japanese guy with a word bubble that says "missing, my ability to pee on a tree or in a hole like the girls".

And you thought Oakridge was ghetto...

Next time we're in Seattle, we'll be sure to stop in to this Pacific Northwest institution, around for 25 years. It'll be perfect, a Jap and a JAP tyring on pimp wear. We won't be able to keep the girls off of us. I'll even pick up some rubbers while we're there...you know, Magnums.

Believe it or not, this commercial is real. It's not an SNL digital short or a follow up to 30 Rocks' 1-800-OKFACE ad. I couldn't believe what I was seeing that one late night in Seattle when 'Showtime at the Apollo' went to commercial.

Watersports

My brother just came back from Japan and brought back these amazing pictures. Can you figure out what the product is? Is it a big yellow milk carton? A condom for men with rectangular shaped cocks? Or, is it a portable toilet? If you chose curtain number 3 then you are correct! Oh those crazy Japs. With my uncontrollable bladder I could've used this many a time. I'm just not sure how the little girl is supposed to use it...unless maybe it comes with a straw and funnel.

Chinese fire drill

A couple days ago I was stopped at a traffic light and saw a joke in real life. A Rav 4 pulled up next to me and came to a stop. Three Asian girls exited the vehicle, ran around the car, and then got back in through different doors. I thought it was a "Chinese fire drill" but under closer inspection all the girls were Vietnamese. The only reason could tell.....they all were wearing bibs and had little puppies under the arms who were frantically trying to run away before being given and extra hot pho bath in the kitchen.

For Loves A Good H Hot Carl...

Should I put this on the lost and found log? And after 30 days, can I claim it or do I have to donate it to Goodwill? Also can staff leave this at the desk or does it have to go in a locker? I could go on forever. Oh, and we bought it with a CPO...we had to...our burr mixer went down on a Saturday night.

Beer for Jews

You can't tell from the picture but the bottle is in the shape of a deridel. You can't put it down without spilling. I hear its a hard to find delicious malty beer with a smooth finish that one would crucify for.

What happened to us after one too many..

...at a champagne brunch in Santa Monica.

Which...

is what I do with my internet connection. The last thing I want to happen while I'm in a chatroom is for a hacker to find out that 'beckyeatsmeat' is really an asian divorcee in Santa Monica posing as a thai tranny hooker in a pink babydoll and 5 inch heels and a collar that says 'slut'. Better they think I'm in Tajikistan.

Unless.........

....you have some weird device that hides your signal from wire tapping by bouncing it off satellites and towers in other countries. Which would explain a lot more.

The Widget reveals all

You know that widget you put in the blog that shows the live feed? We have seem to draw quite a few listeners from other countries. But it seems they all come on through google and read "that's some fukt porn" first. And I thought we had some issues. Really, who goes to a random website and watches a random sex video of hunting and intercourse on top of each other?

And finally...

Tonight's dessert...creme filled cannolis covered in a chocolate fudge ganache.

Goodnight.

Or...

Let's hope we're not in Little Italy.

Another acceptable retort...

I sure hope Buca is serving that 'family style'.

When were you outside my bedroom window?

That's the sign I light up when I like to pretend I'm in the Red Light District and display my spicy tuna roll for all the passersby. It's best when it's got that 'angry' look in it's eye.

If this pic is from the Buca at Oakridge then all I wish is that I fell and spilled my cream in front of this sign. Then that story would be truly gay.

Look what Buca di Beppo is selling now

My co-host once told me somethings are just to good to pass up. I'm sure if he knew where I took this picture he would push down anyone in his way including women and children to get inside this restaurant. My girlfriend also said "they're selling, I'm buying". You might have some competition on your hands. Good luck to both of you. Word of advice... if your running full speed trying to get there first, WATCH YOUR EYES! (and hair if you win)

Thank you Jesus!!!

I just wrote 4 new posts which means I just blew my load. I'll need at least 15 minutes before I'm ready again.

Versus

Btw, there's nothing different between religion and a good manual release. Like the great churches in the South, I scream out "thank you jesus!" as my eyes roll back into my head, my body stiffens and I suddenly fall back into a bunch of nuts more than eager to break my fall.

Move Along 2: The Beginning

I love that our tag cloud has, in one line, the words "pleasure", "ribs" and "saliva".

Move along...

Testicular Vagina. No joke here, I just thought it sounded funny...like 'free gift'.

Coexist?!

Is that what that bumper sticker is?! I thought it was that new Pagan rock band I saw in the "Listeners Also Bought" section of iTunes. True story, I once told a guest she had something on her forehead and handed her a wetnap. She said it was for Ash Wednesday and I told her, oh sorry, it looked like backsplash from a gay aborted fetus. Oops, my bad.

Religilous

Were you walking around all Wednesday staring at peoples foreheads? Wondering why they were dirty and more importantly why were they not cleaning it off? Are you that insensitive? Check that...ignorant? Just cause your Sunday ritual of eating ramen, napping and giving yourself manual releases all day makes more sense and is way more fun then Christianity, doesn't mean you shouldn't learn about other ways people waste their time and pocket change. Get a clue. Haven't you seen the coexist bumper sticker? Which coincidentally can not be on any car parked at this church nearby. Well at least that's whet there sign says. "Jesus loves all who are Christian, those who aren't you know what's gonna happen to you"

Nailed it...

Yesterday I was talking to a fellow manager and it went a bit like this:

M: I have to go to church today for lent.
J: I didn't know you were Jewish.
M: What?! It's not a Jewish holiday. Don't you know the Jews killed Jesus?!
J: I don't think now's the time to be pointing fingers.

Besides, Jesus died trying to put together cheap IKEA furniture. That's what Dr. Edelstein told me.

Ticket times

After a couple of drinks at LA's posh Velvet Margarita, I decided to order their creme filled churros to-go. I told my friend that it was the greatest dessert and so delicious. After taking an incredible 45 minutes to come out, my friend of course felt that they were JUST churros and quite a let down. I'd guess that anything that takes 45 minutes would naturally be a let down.

Except, of course, an orgasm.

Don't forget...

...that I also told you that California has a current soap and towel shortage so we have to use just our hands and saliva.

Table for one...minus the table

So my cohost traveled down to LA this weekend and is here on what feels like the longest sleepover ever. Yesterday he woke up at 12pm and announced (as I guess he always does) that he's gonna poop and shower. As I yelled from my bedroom that we have to leave in 15 minutes all I could hear was my microwave beeping. I investigated and soon found him walking into the bathroom with a to-go box. Some of us read, while some dwell on the meaning of life. You, however, sit there eating leftover hashbrowns smothered in onions and mushrooms while you squeeze out the very same items from the night before. You should just spare the middleman and dump your plate of food into the toilet.

And, please, throw that fork away.

Water shortage in California

It seems like every year it's " the worst drought in history" for California. Does that mean that next year will be even dryer? Yes it does. But what I really need is someone to call into the show and help me. I need help to convince my co-host of the best way to conserve water. I say please continue to brush your teeth, but water your lawn less. He says we should take every shower together. HELP!

What's worse?

Eating hashbrowns smothered with mushrooms onions and bacon while taking a dump. OR. Taking a photo of yourself in a full length mirror while going number 2 in a public restroom? Don't get me started on the placement of mirrors in cript stalls.

FO. Fathers Office

W: food or company?
J: denitely company. So I had a win win situation tonight. And blew it.
W: a girl and guy dating, sitting at our table is not win win unless you like threesome rotiseries.
J: which would have tasted better than those ribs.
W: here's the deal asshole, Ribs are usually delicious. Unless your focused on stealing some guys girlfriend instead of eating them.
J: That's what I do best is steal girlfriends. Or at least make them realize what they're missing. Besides they were on date 5 and she still didn't kiss him. She's obviously holding out.
W: holding out yes. For you NO! For an black AMEX card yes! She'll get home, alone and wonder what did I just pass up?
J: Beauty of it is shell be thinking of me for at least a couple of days. And she doesn't Even realize how small my penis is.
W: thanks for interupting me. I was going to say she will realze she passed up a cute white guy and his Asian lady boy! That got to be worth at least 1.5 mintues of pure raw pleasure.
J:mmm ladyboys. Now I'm hard. Speaking of ladyboys, I ran into your mom the other day and she said she hadn't heard from you in a while. I told her it was cuz you were in my closet. My big gay closet.
W: put downs aside just cause your closet is filled with high heels, miniskirts and "snuggerfit extra strength condoms" does mean it's a gay closet. Did you tell her hi for me?
J: I did though I tried to conceal the thong poking out the back of my lowrise 7 jeans I had on. And don't forget the doc Jonson hanging out as well. On a serious note, I love showtunes.

Dating sucks

So it's worth mentioning that before I signed up for match.com I decided to try eHarmony first. I went to their website and began to take their compatibility questionnaire. A thousand questions later I clicked submit, only to be taken to a default page which asked me to sit down as it informed me that I was one of 12% of people of whom the site denies membership due to the "lack of suitable matches". I realized it must have been when I clicked "some high school" to the question "where do you usually meet the women you date?". Or when my reply to "how do you come on to women?" was "on her face".

There's no joke here. Just a sad, sad reality.

Is it just me...

...or is Jack In The Box going a bit too far? I was driving through Koreatown the other day when I saw this billboard for their new teriyaki bowls. Never mind the fact that teriyaki is a Japanese specialty and that they don't use brocolli in Japan. Or that bukake is still the number one sauce in the land of the rising sun. I was offended anyway. You know, not all of us have bowl cuts. Sheesh.

Sincerely,

Dusty Springroll

NYC..........pt 2

Do you remember those not so terrifying end of the world movies? They usually started in some terrible place where some bad chain of events would begin and not end for two painful hours. I never thought they were actually scary until I flew into LGA. After deplaning and ascending the jet bridge I found cinematic hell. I was certain that the grey and drab interior still styled from the 80's surely contained at least 3 terrorist and 2 biological threats. I felt with each turn of my neck, the camera was panning to conversation after conversation of sketchy people talking in languages that made them seem "up to something". It was cold and dirty inside. Everyone that didn't look suspicious was packed so tight into the terminal that they might as well of been passing the deadly disease from mouth to mouth. I will never be able to sit through another one of those flicks without reminding myself that the next time I go to NYC fly into Kennedy ONLY!

Match made in heaven

What's you big concern about your "Match" term coming to an end? I thought you were thoroughly satisfied with at least 2 of the 3 previous matches you were given. First was the Japanese import DVD and a bottle of lotion. I thought for sure this was meant to last. But, after only a week the bottle was empty, the DVD smudged, and the watersport scenes stale. Second, "The Big Deal" match was even shorter lived. Why set you up with a great, perfect match that went away so soon, only to be replaced with something "jumbo" and no drink? The third match, Doc Johnson was right up your alley. So why try and push it on me?

Shh, it's a secret!

So my Match Dot Com subscription is over in a week and I got to wondering how 3 months flew by so quickly. Then I started to reminisce about that one time when I went on a date with a girl who turned out to be a shemale. A tranny, if you will. Asians would call her a ladyboy, perchance. I was shocked, of course, but then figured that I should have known when I saw her username was crying_game2008.

Forgive us

And, yes, my apologies to our legion of followers (mostly in the greater Chicago area...mmm, area) for neglecting this blog for far too long. Like a cheap whore we teased you with our wares and dressed it up in scantilly clad outfits like slutty schoolgirls on the...what was I talking about?

Wienerschnitzel vs. Hebrew National vs. Jim

I totally agree with my cohost. There have been plenty of times at 2 AM that I've craved meat and gone out for it. Of course, where I go there's also a steam room and jacuzzi and they give you free condoms and lube at the door.

Some habits never die...

Last Thursday I was ready to ask a girl out on a date. I see her every so often and I thought to myself that I've never really done something like this so "what the hell and go for it". As I was talking to her about school I soon found out it was Santa Monica high school...yikes. I really need to stop hanging out at Sanrio.

NYC.........pt 3

Do you know what's great about a city that never sleeps? Those people need to eat. In a city were you can get any food, at anytime, delivered to you anywhere, I find it's best......to eat out. Who wants some dirty armpit smelling Greek, delivering their Thai food and banging on their door at 3:27am? Not me. I go to the hot dog stands, the guys with the carts full of meats skewers, and of course the NY Times rated 3 and 4 star places. Nowhere else on earth can you find a Sunday brunch buffet or as they call it a "schmorgizborg" containing 7 different types of pickled hearing made by an Ethiopian chef that was raised in Scandinavia. Nor could you find a plain old white guy making the best deep south, KC style, and Texas barbecue I've ever had. Only in NYC. Come hungry, try as much as you can, then go throw up and eat some more.

NYC.........pt 4

During my time in the the big apple I met up with one of my friends, Dan. He currently lives about 10 or 15 miles from me in CA. It doesn't really makes sense to travel 3000 miles to hang out, but this was different. I was there to watch him compete. He was crammed into the basement of a church, in a boxing ring to kick some ass. Muay Thai the art of eight limbs. Or in poor Dan's case the art of drawing. Not with crayons, but with judges score cards. He's a scrappy Hawaiian dude who is probably the nicest guy on planet earth. So nice that he beats up his opponent and still let's them share the win. Here's to you Dan "the draw specialist" "the equalizer" "the distance" Ash.
p.s. I dragged my 52yr old mother to watch the fights. I thought it was funny until her retaliation was to drag me to Mary Poppins on Broadway the following evening.

NYC.... pt. 5

After searching, visiting, walking by, and calling 8 of the 15 Ricky's (the only store in the world that carries BK Flame) I've come out empty handed. Apparently Burger King's body spray is not only popular, but also in short supply. And for the worst part..... My friend says it doesn't even smell like meat. But she does think that they have interlaced beefness into it for the acceptance of the unsuspecting consumer. "Just like they do chicken nuggets" she said. Conspiracy?

On the shelf it went........

Have you ever gotten the coolest Christmas gift ever? You opened the wrapper and you were so excited you didn't put it down for like a month or two. Then, just suddenly one day, you didn't even touch it. The next day or so you had completely forgotten about it. Two weeks go by, and when you remember it, you look for it, finally find it, and then shelve it away so "you know where it is later". Sorry Blog, Sorry Co-Host, Sorry those who crave the attention that racist jokes and put-downs provide. No Thanks to the readers who didn't call the show to remind either of us that we had a show to run. FYMs.

And now I have diarrhea

So what could possibly be the downside of a jumbo deal only costing $2.99? Going through the drive thru and realizing that it's so cheap that I should add a breakfast jack to my order and the whole bill would still be under five bucks. Who the hell needs a jumbo jack, two tacos, fries AND a breakfast sandwich?! Answer, me. At 1:00 AM. Last night. And I wasn't even drunk.

And in case you're curious. Yes, I finished it.