My Foreign Affairs Policy

If I were president I would have a revolutionary foreign policy. Free plane tickets from Mexico to Afghanistan, Iraq and North Korea. I'll even pay for fake passports and visas. Swine Flu masks, inoculation and immunizations not included!

Or maybe...

the blog got a hold of the fact that when I was younger, while the other kids were bobbing for apples, I was bobbing for sausages.

I could have sworn I had those tapes destroyed...or turned in to the FBI.

I hate moving

So I was wondering for about a week now who was viewing our blog from West Hollywood. A new follower perhaps. Then I realized it was me. Is the blog so powerful, so all knowing that it reviewed my posts, determined my sexual orientation and moved my zip code to the homosexual capital of California? Sort of like when my TiVo kept recommending 'Queer as Folk' and any show playing on Logo.

Why would they be in a karaoke bar anyway?

I kind of think it's in poor taste to sign "Don't Stop Believin'" to a group of deaf people. Bringing their hopes up like that...sigh. And the last thing I want to hear in a bar is a deaf person singing "Doon Smop Bigeeenin".

It must be a "sign"

Not an eight sided, red piece of metal that says stop. Not when you're thinking about your ex and your "song" comes on the radio. Not when you have a nightmare about a plane crash, deboard and then it crashes. More like... Dirty karaoke bar, one microphone, two people. The two stand uncomfortably apart as the "don't stop believing" piano solo starts up. The guy looks as if going to sing alone...."just a small town girl....". His partner (at the command of her shouting friends in the crowd "SIGN LANGUAGE".) She starts it up as well [arms only]. Nothing funnier than the guy belting it out as she struggles to keep up, laughing hysterically and almost falling from the stage flailing arms and all.

Top 5 Asian karaoke songs...

1. Ruck Be A Rady
2. The Rook of Rove
3. Rove In An Erebator
4. Reabing On A Jeto Prane
5. Ribin' Ra Bida Roca

I was young and needed the money...

True, but that was featured only once...in my Bangkok premiere "Fists of Fury".

THAT BIG = THAT WIDE and stretched out

Yes it is that big. But why, even as a gay porn name would you advertise that you can fit two hands up there?

Its THAT big...

If I were a gay porn star my stage name would be "Dos Manos".

But do they make it with soy milk?

Starbucks just introduced their Hot Carlmel Dark Chocolate Macchiatto. A creamy mix of vanilla, chocolate and whatever your Barista had for dinner the night before. Best if ordered steaming, of course. And, there's no need for a lid...just let it ooze right down your throat.

Mmmm, make mine a Venti!

Kink

I met a girl the other night at a bar in Hollywood. We came back to my place and things got real hot and heavy in the bedroom. Then she asked me if I was into scat. I told her I totally was and then I threw a plate at her head and watched it scatter all over the place.

It is my favorite...

Why else do you think I date guys from Oakland.

And what's the picture of the two beer bottles have to do with any of this?

Jesse's Favorite

If you like it extra dark, extra big and extra cheap.... This ones for you....Double Black Stout.

Prized for their friction

Your missing the best attribute of the "Steel Toe Hoss". They provide the highest amount of friction among all slip resistant footwear. I'd give you all the specs in one concise rant, me being the SFC expert I am, but i'll spare you the earache. Instead I'll let you decide how much friction you really want, when all you are wearing are the boots and you and your bedroom are covered in half a bottle of water resistant lube.

Moving the comment to a post, for easier access

Funky Tina Cantina was bought out by that English pub...Ye Ole Bloody Canal.

Ring Toss

Now available from Shoes For Crews...the Steel Toe Hoss with detchable cock ring! And it comes with two rings, perfect for a swordfight in the morning.

I already ordered mine...in a size 14.

They should've used balsa wood

And I remember The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub. That's where we met. Except yours is so small one has to put their lips through the glory hole so you can reach.

Of course, I shouldn't talk. Both of ours together would make it the size it should be.

The other day...

I went into Subway to get a $5 footlong. I was disappointed to find out it's a sandwich.

I think...

it may have been at the Redi & Taykit Room.

That bar used to be the Watering Hole, but are now under new management.

Bottom five "you know what" bars

5. Fairy's
4. Pat's
3. (mu)Stash
2. Cavern Tavern
1. The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub

P.S....... I think I saw those monkey ass snacks at the Redi Room

Sukebe desu ne!

Another great product from Japan...this one is some kind of curly corn snack of sorts that are best when sucked on. Whatever it is the package suggests something else. If I could read Japanese I would guess that the name of the snack is Curry Rice Crackers...or Anal Rape.

Top 5 "you know what" Bar Names...

1. Man Hole
2. One-Eyed Jacks
3. Meat Me At Joes
4. Spears
5. The Salty Stream

And you forgot...

"...or ON the girls".

You know those Japanese...such pervs.

Wait wait wait

So it's a portable bathroom device? In the shape of a milk carton? So I get it, girls couldn't use it. But why would they? Women's restrooms in Japan are just tiled holes in the ground. My real question is, if it's shaped like a milk carton, does it also have missing persons on the side? Like a Japanese guy with a word bubble that says "missing, my ability to pee on a tree or in a hole like the girls".

And you thought Oakridge was ghetto...

Next time we're in Seattle, we'll be sure to stop in to this Pacific Northwest institution, around for 25 years. It'll be perfect, a Jap and a JAP tyring on pimp wear. We won't be able to keep the girls off of us. I'll even pick up some rubbers while we're there...you know, Magnums.

Believe it or not, this commercial is real. It's not an SNL digital short or a follow up to 30 Rocks' 1-800-OKFACE ad. I couldn't believe what I was seeing that one late night in Seattle when 'Showtime at the Apollo' went to commercial.

Watersports

My brother just came back from Japan and brought back these amazing pictures. Can you figure out what the product is? Is it a big yellow milk carton? A condom for men with rectangular shaped cocks? Or, is it a portable toilet? If you chose curtain number 3 then you are correct! Oh those crazy Japs. With my uncontrollable bladder I could've used this many a time. I'm just not sure how the little girl is supposed to use it...unless maybe it comes with a straw and funnel.

Chinese fire drill

A couple days ago I was stopped at a traffic light and saw a joke in real life. A Rav 4 pulled up next to me and came to a stop. Three Asian girls exited the vehicle, ran around the car, and then got back in through different doors. I thought it was a "Chinese fire drill" but under closer inspection all the girls were Vietnamese. The only reason could tell.....they all were wearing bibs and had little puppies under the arms who were frantically trying to run away before being given and extra hot pho bath in the kitchen.