Elton John says, 'that's what friends are for'

Wow, it's like Christmas 2010 come early. Or late for 2009...stupid JITB. At first glance I thought maybe I have to choose one item for $2.99, but ALL three?! I just spooged onto the bottom of my gut. Now it's oozing onto my shoes.

Guess I know what I'm having for dinner tonight after my open. And any other time I'm in a drunken stupor with staff members in San Jose at Tres Gringos.

"Has Jack Got a Deal for You!"

In an effort to provide endless presents for my co-host... I give you one bigger than the big deal, "The Jumbo Deal". Its been a long standing phrase "im gonna get the big deal". A Jack In The Box combo involving a a burger or chix sand, tacos and a drink. It was great for 2am on the way home after a close, 6pm after an open, 1pm on our bikes before a close or any waking moment for my co-host. Now the junk burger has been replaced with a yumbo yack the soda with fries, and Jesse's slim 29 inch lady boy waist with a belt busting burger gut that hangs over his pants and penis. Merry Christmas

Don't tell me he's reading

Hey, is that guy robbing the Burger King?

Take it back and return it

Buyer beware, some men can smell meat a mile away.

BK's new scent may backfire on you and actually attract other men who won't be able to back off of you as you exit the backdoor. See, I got your back.

Not without it's benefits

Let's just say that spraying this all over your body is supposed to help you spray your musk all over hers.

BK Flame

Why even try to sell a product that reproduces a smell that already exists and can be easily duplicated at Burger King. 4 hours at the fryer, 4 hours on the broiler and 2 sprays of CK One on top of your jersey. Or 10 minutes in the BK "dining room" and 1 visit to the public bathroom. Yeah...., I've been there.

BK Flame

I heard it's made from the semi-liquid drippings of cooked hot dogs that are then mixed with "White Diamonds" and filtered for smoothness through a pair of skid marked tighty whiteys.

BK Flame

When I hear or read "the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame broiled meat" I picture Jenna Jameson deep throating a freshly grilled sausage. But hey, I would still spray that on my neck and shirt in preparation for going out on the town.

BK Flame

When used to to skip a bath and cover up the day's body stench, would it be called a "trip down the burger conveyor"....rather than a Puerto Rican shower

BK Flame

Will it add a scent of flame broiled meat or will it add to the smell of My flame broiled meat? And its sold out everywhere WTF

I could never write shit THIS good

Hold the phone! In a move that was clearly timed and created exclusively for this blog, Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that, according to their website, offers a "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Ladies and gentlemen, let the meat jokes begin.

www.firemeetsdesire.com

Ny finhers are tio bif for am iphine

Except for the fact that it's already the name of a black porn star, the BB Storm doesn't seem to be stirring up conversation like the iPhone still commands. I heard that it does have a touchscreen that you can actually "feel" when pressing keys by using electrostatic energy. Pretty much the same technology used in the Fukuoku 9000. Right, ladies?

And I remember those bag phones. It had a shoulder strap so you could lug that car battery around to power that brick we talked into. It was handy to keep in our Ford Pinto so we could leave a message on your mini cassette answering machine about meeting at the drive-in theater to see Rocky...part 2.

Technology regression

I spoke to my uncle yesterday, he used to be a pioneer in the world of cutting edge technology. He was the first person I knew who had a computer. It was a giant 286. No Pentium, no CD drive, no nothin. But it sure did sound cool, "you mean I can insert the big floppy disk into the slot, go to Dos, type in dir/p, find the start command and then command little black and green pixels to do stuff?" He wouldn't answer because he was awfully busy with his "portable" bag phone. The topic of our call recently was about the new phone he got from work. I asked if it was an iPhone, nope, a blackberry. Who cares, geriatrics can operate those. But this was different, it was the new BB Storm, with full touchscreen. " you don't even know how to use those things". His reply... "I've already had to pull out the sim card to restart it twice after I locked it up". I think for Christmas I'm going to give a roll of quarters so in an emergency he can still make calls.

in a world full of choices, they're all shit

I'm 100 percent positive that the new Hot Carl Fudge Sundae at Dairy Queen will take away 100 percent of the sales of the Peanut Buster Parfait. If you want a dessert that looks like 2 girls already ate it and shit it back into a cup.... then now you have 2 choices at Dairy Queen. Well 3, which of the two desserts to order, and who to vomit it back up onto.

Just when you thought no one could top an original

I was at Dairy Queen yesterday and they have a Hot Carl Fudge Sundae. Soft serve, of course.

And like Pinkberry you can add toppings like peanuts...and corn.

Found porn!

I found this at a cafe called Clementine and had to get a picture. It was in West Hollywood, of course.

And don't ask me what I was doing in West Hollywood.

It's beginning to look a lot like XXXmas

First, I'm glad you used the "large" picture option to post. I'd hate for anyone to miss out on what you were referring to.

Second, I'd be able to get you one, but it would have to be a finger watch. I hear you can only get these in Japan. Oh, and from midgets.

Give me a call tonight at half past balls.

For Christmas I Want...

A new wristwatch. Sometimes the best gifts cost nothing at all. They are practical, last forever and are currently at hand. I wish everyone could receive a gift as thoughtful and useful as this. Is it purple thirty already? Oh, no, just veiny o'clock, gotcha ya.

You're MY Inspiration

I saw a picture of this when I was a kid and I always wanted to run around the top while singing 'Hard Habit To Break'.

I read that Peter Cetera lives in the building and sometimes late at night you can hear him weep.

As influential as the Dalai Lama

Wow, 100 posts already. It seems like just yesterday I was biting down on a Hebrew National when I looked up and told you, "Hey, let's start a BLOG!". Well if I could actually find one I'd say let's crack open a Double Black Stout and toast to the next 100 posts or to when people stop reading this, whichever comes first. So here's to all of the Trannies, Asians, Gays, Blacks, and the Gay Asian/Black Trannies we yet to ridicule and offend. Cheers!

101st post spactacular

Wow a mile stone...100 posts. As I look back I can only think about what my friends and family must think about my behavior. Twisted memories and horrible skewed views of people, sandwiched between gay jokes, innuendo and more gay jokes. From now on rather than look back, I'm only going to look ahead. Ahead toward the future of put downs, zings, and celebratory lower back tattoos. I have one picked out for my co-host. Its a big, tanned catchers mitt spread open and ready to receive "the pitch". Here's to hundreds of more posts....I wouldn't be half as funny, if it weren't for you being so easy to make fun of.

Not since FedEx Kinkos has there been a merger this good

Since when did Conroy's Flowers put an Asian massage parlor inside their shops?

I drive past this place everyday and I finally was able to take a picture of it. And stop in.

I could use another tan trenchcoat

I think I'll spend all of my money on bags of candy and a windowless van.

What do you get the kid who has everything...or doesn't technically 'exist' yet

Speaking of Planned Parenthood, I have also heard on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and SNL's Weekend Update (my only sources for news) that their gift cards are hot this year. So hot in fact, that we set up a gift card table at the restaurant complete with rubber tree, pink Asian boxes and wire hangers. PLUS, if you buy a Pro Choice Bear (with removable fetus!) it comes with a $50 gift card. Act now before the holidays end! Or Roe v. Wade is overturned.

Vacation All I ever wanted

I'm trying to line up my vacations for '09. Mid January NYC and upstate. Your brothers going to Japan in Feb or Mar, I'm trying to cut weight so I can hide away in his luggage. My Dad will be in New Mexico in March, Killer bees anyone? Nick and Krystal's wedding is in Seattle on Jun 16th. For Sarah's birthday we will probably head to Las Vegas in late July. She wanted to go to new york, we'll just stay in the MGM Mirage property of the same name. She'll never know. Nobody tell her, OK? Depending on where you choose to move and be miserable, I'll fly or drive (if close enough) and visit you after your settled. Oh shit what about Chicago?

Return on investment

Tonight I heard back from our old property manager that we would be getting back our entire security deposit minus $100. Our anal retentiveness for a shoeless household really paid off. Only touch paint was needed in places that your brother and I dragged your grill against during move in. So what are you going to do with your half of the $1650?
I'm contemplating two ideas...
--->1. Turning the $825 into all singles, driving to Gilroy, parking in a stall at Sonic (Americas Drive In), convincing the 4, 18 year old carhop girls to take off everything their wearing but their skates, and then making it rain.
--->2. Buy 9, $50 gift cards to Planned Parenthood (the hottest GC this season). Why 9? I don't know, but that's my guess on how many girls are in one of the middle school classrooms that I drive past everyday. Use your imagination.

Been living under a rock have you?

Unless over the last couple months your Saturday nights have been occupied with hot sexy dates, (which I'm sure they have not, me being 400 miles away in all) what the hell have you been doing. Andy Samberg has been carrying SNL with his hilarious digital shorts. Dick in a Box, Andy Punches, Space Olympics, Iran so far, Lazy Sunday...and the list goes on. If I had been encouraged to pursue humor early on like him I might have amounted to something more than a guy in a restaurant searching for a rope, a tree and a ladder.

Buyer beware

If you pay for it in yen, like I did, then you only get the Japanese version as pictured. I could tell it was roast beef, but it was blurry and hard to make out. I told the cashier that I couldn't see the meat and she suggested I order the tentacle sandwich instead.

"Post in my blog...jizz in my pants..."

You may have already seen this on SNL, but if you haven't it's worth a look. I was watching it on my DVR the other night and I loved it so much I had to watch it twice. Not since the debut of Debbie the Downer have I done that on SNL. I didn't even realize that's Justin Timberlake with the mop. Enjoy!

Go get a real job

Today I witnessed a bunch of picketers on a busy corner campaigning for the overturn of Prop 8. I support them, its a civil right issue, but thats besides the point. If you really want to do something positive for a cause that you believe in...Get a job. Even if its for a only one day, you could still earn some money which could then be donated to your cause. Theres a chance you could get a job that supported your cause and also provided you with money. For instance...be a day laborer outside Home Depot. When you're picked up to mow some rich guys lawn, you could carve a big "no on 8" design in his front yard. Maybe your hired to help paint the outside of a house. Pick up some red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet paint and your already halfway done with a rainbow. Picketing makes people despise you and your cause. Taking money from a homophobe to deface his own property makes you a hero.

I wish i has ¥en

Turns out the "Vulva" when purchased alone is quite a deal. Fives times the meat and dinner and a movie...its like the complete package. Unless you ask for the combo meal. Turns out the "Vulva" when paired with a fountain drink and fries costs $80. Sounds like a ripoff to me. If it weren't for the downward spiraling of the US economy, I'm sure I'd be able to steal this deal with 6 bucks, a coupon and a roofie. Get it together Greenspan, If Arby's wants to turn a profit I guess I'll just have to pay in yen.

Forget the Hot Carl

This just in, Arby's will introduce a new roast beef sandwich with 5 times the meat of the original. They are simply calling it...'Vulva'.

You can supersize it, but it'll cost you dinner and a movie.

Not that there's anything wrong with that

I heard there was some kind of "day without a gay" in West Hollywood today. Which I think you would refer to as "Lent".

I guess it was a protest against Prop 8, which I have to say I am appalled was passed. People in America obviously have a problem with gay men getting married, which is ridiculous even to a straight arrow like myself. Believe me, I speak from experience and I can tell you that those aren't the ONLY marriages being ruined by another man's cock.

And while we're on the subject of whores, by your calculation below, are you saying that SPAM would be the equivalent to your days in little league? It's going to be OK. Now just point on the doll where the bad man touched you.

Hmmmm

You must be referring to this photo? Next to perfect turkey gravy this is the other thing a $80,000 culinary arts education got you. Of course this one uses a gravy of another sort. More of a batter, if you will. The Chinese would call it cream of sum yung guy, I hear. If you were a gardener you would plant this seed, you see. In Texas they refer...aw hell, it's cum.

SPAM = salty penis and meat?

I have always heard that there were all different flavors of Spam. Spam, Spam lite, Spam with Bacon, Spam with Tabasco, Spam garlic, Spam with cheese, Spam singles...etc. Once while in Hawaii I actually took a picture of the Spam shelf in the supermarket. It was a Cornucopia of color and flavors that topped out at 15 or so varieties. But it wasn't until I returned to the mainland and attended a dinner party hosted by a Japanese Hawaiian that I learned of my true favorite Spam variety...Spam Penis (picture to be added later)

Double Decker Disaster

In case you cant tell by the picture, this is the rear view of a bright red, double decker fire rescue truck stroller from the Oakridge mall. It has several stickers, four tires, 2 steering wheels, and one warning to parents. In case all you idiot parents left all your common sense and parenting skills at home with the true 40 inch LCD guardian of your kids, safety comes in all caps...DO NOT PUT CHILD IN BAG!...or else your Fire Truck will become severely off balance, your kid's legs will get sucked into the wheel wells and you guessed it...a DDD will ensue.

Only in Hawaii

Is SPAM actually the parts that weren't good enough to become hot dogs?

These are the thoughts that haunt me right before I fall asleep.

Which begs the question...

...is Pooh a boy or a girl? Or some hermaphodite half breed sewn shut? And what about his band of friends? What a fucked up group this is, huh? A tiger hopped up on speed, a single kangaroo mom in need of a baby daddy, a depressed suicidal donkey and a OCD rabbit in desperate need of anger management treatment?! And let's not forget the schizophrenic kid who imagines that these "friends" keep telling him to kill his parents. Oh Disney, you're the best.

Did you know?

...that pinatas don't come with candy already inside? I did not know that.

Last time I crossed the Mexico border someone was selling a Winnie the Pooh pinata, but their handwriting wasn't very good so it said 'Poon' across his shirt.

Quite a mouthful

If we started a business together I think we should sell tea. It's such the craze these days. Think about it, an Asian and a Jew selling teabags. I could call mine Green Matcha and you could call yours Hairy & Shriveled.

Johnson and his johnson

Were the people who were wearing the uniforms the claimants? As though they thought that if they showed their pride for the very company that shunned them perhaps the judge would award them unemployment? Or maybe the judge would decide that the company had to take them back and this way they were dressed and ready to clock in. Either way, I'm sure they were all bad employees who were always tardy, always called out sick or just refused to sleep with their front desk manager.

It's not my fault

On Wednesday I had to attend a hearing to contest unemployment benefits for someone who didn't deserve them. I wore my work clothes, slacks, dress shirt and tie. When I got there the room was packed. Claimants and Big companies filled the room. I was easily able to tell who was who because like me, the employers wore their work outfits. There was Bevmo (a guy in shorts and a green bevmo polo), Walgreens (2 men in dress shirts with Walgreens logo on them), Comcast (dress shirt with Comcast logo on it), Petco (same dress shirt deal) and the attendant kept calling more and more big companies. First Mervyns then I thought I heard Johnson and Johnson, but it ended up just being a black guy name Johnson wearing a sweatsuit.

A picture is worth...the framing costs

If it's above your toilet, it should be this.

Smells like teen spirit

I have distinct odor memories, or "scentories" of the following. The mix of popcorn, frozen bananas and faintly chlorinated water at Disneyland. Construction paper. The fake forrest in the E.T. ride at Universal. Indians (the curry ones, not the litter alongside a highway one). The scratch n sniff sticker of "rootbeer" from 3rd grade. My belly button.

We'll be right back, after these commercials.

Next stop...Podcast

True, not all of the jokes can be funny. The people I work with are proof of that. But it can be difficult to find the comedic timing in the written word. I'm not talking about the Bible, though I do love good fiction. A lot rests in how the reader interprets it. I think a radio show would be easier because we could control the delivery..."fuck" is funnier to say than to read.

delicious odors

My favorite smells... Weird. It's probably just me that has an infinity and desire for odd smells. Today while walking behind a foul armpit of a guest I realized that a lot of my favorite smells are weird and attached to similarly weird memories. Some I can't even describe, but I can tell you exactly where and when I smelled it. For instance there is a smell, not of money or smoke but of something clean and well kept that can be found in the lobby of Wynn Las Vegas. There is equally nice but completely different smell that can be found in The Hotel (part of the Mandalay Bay). Contrastly, the smell of Victoria Secret "Love Spell" makes me think of this whore from college who would "try out" anything that was of med size and length to just "see how it felt in there". I was left out, being of less than med size during my college years. And finally the smell of skunk, now that's hard to describe..... It good and definitely better than the absence of smell.

I found tiny nails on the wall above my toilet. I think someone at sometime had hung something there. I'm currently looking for picture to hang there for me. My first thought is a celebrity on the pot taking a shit. Make that guy Andre 3000 dropping bombs over Baghdad or Brittney skirt up chotch out lettin it all go. Even Mark Summers painfully pushing through a double dare. Any ideas or pics you've found ......

No brain = No laughing

I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get the hang of this blog / morning show. I'm guessing that comments by followers are like call-ins to the show. And the jokes referring to, talking about, and describing in detail; TESTICLES, is you, digging deep for material right before a commercial break. I tell people all the time "not all the jokes can be funny". But what I really mean is here's a quarter, go buy a clue, if you had any sense of your surroundings, you would already be laughing. Idiots

Coming up in the next hour

Today's Phrase that Pays is..."ropey strands". Be the 10th caller and get a chance to win a pearl necklace.

Shrinkage

Did you know that Fresno is part of the raisin capital of the world? Did you also know that Fresno is the Meth capital of the world? And that Meth makes your balls the size of raisins?

What a small world, huh?

Great film music

So I tossed and turned last night trying to think of my favorite instrumental music. And I have to say it is the grand brass horns that play as I ride down the plains of North Dakota alongside the mighty Tatonka with my Indian pals (the casino Indians, not the dot-com ones). Perfect music for that long LA to SF drive, plane rides to Japan or when I just want to shake that bear.