Elton John says, 'that's what friends are for'

Wow, it's like Christmas 2010 come early. Or late for 2009...stupid JITB. At first glance I thought maybe I have to choose one item for $2.99, but ALL three?! I just spooged onto the bottom of my gut. Now it's oozing onto my shoes.

Guess I know what I'm having for dinner tonight after my open. And any other time I'm in a drunken stupor with staff members in San Jose at Tres Gringos.

"Has Jack Got a Deal for You!"

In an effort to provide endless presents for my co-host... I give you one bigger than the big deal, "The Jumbo Deal". Its been a long standing phrase "im gonna get the big deal". A Jack In The Box combo involving a a burger or chix sand, tacos and a drink. It was great for 2am on the way home after a close, 6pm after an open, 1pm on our bikes before a close or any waking moment for my co-host. Now the junk burger has been replaced with a yumbo yack the soda with fries, and Jesse's slim 29 inch lady boy waist with a belt busting burger gut that hangs over his pants and penis. Merry Christmas

Don't tell me he's reading

Hey, is that guy robbing the Burger King?

Take it back and return it

Buyer beware, some men can smell meat a mile away.

BK's new scent may backfire on you and actually attract other men who won't be able to back off of you as you exit the backdoor. See, I got your back.

Not without it's benefits

Let's just say that spraying this all over your body is supposed to help you spray your musk all over hers.

BK Flame

Why even try to sell a product that reproduces a smell that already exists and can be easily duplicated at Burger King. 4 hours at the fryer, 4 hours on the broiler and 2 sprays of CK One on top of your jersey. Or 10 minutes in the BK "dining room" and 1 visit to the public bathroom. Yeah...., I've been there.

BK Flame

I heard it's made from the semi-liquid drippings of cooked hot dogs that are then mixed with "White Diamonds" and filtered for smoothness through a pair of skid marked tighty whiteys.

BK Flame

When I hear or read "the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame broiled meat" I picture Jenna Jameson deep throating a freshly grilled sausage. But hey, I would still spray that on my neck and shirt in preparation for going out on the town.

BK Flame

When used to to skip a bath and cover up the day's body stench, would it be called a "trip down the burger conveyor"....rather than a Puerto Rican shower

BK Flame

Will it add a scent of flame broiled meat or will it add to the smell of My flame broiled meat? And its sold out everywhere WTF

I could never write shit THIS good

Hold the phone! In a move that was clearly timed and created exclusively for this blog, Burger King has come out with a man's body spray that, according to their website, offers a "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Ladies and gentlemen, let the meat jokes begin.

www.firemeetsdesire.com

Ny finhers are tio bif for am iphine

Except for the fact that it's already the name of a black porn star, the BB Storm doesn't seem to be stirring up conversation like the iPhone still commands. I heard that it does have a touchscreen that you can actually "feel" when pressing keys by using electrostatic energy. Pretty much the same technology used in the Fukuoku 9000. Right, ladies?

And I remember those bag phones. It had a shoulder strap so you could lug that car battery around to power that brick we talked into. It was handy to keep in our Ford Pinto so we could leave a message on your mini cassette answering machine about meeting at the drive-in theater to see Rocky...part 2.

Technology regression

I spoke to my uncle yesterday, he used to be a pioneer in the world of cutting edge technology. He was the first person I knew who had a computer. It was a giant 286. No Pentium, no CD drive, no nothin. But it sure did sound cool, "you mean I can insert the big floppy disk into the slot, go to Dos, type in dir/p, find the start command and then command little black and green pixels to do stuff?" He wouldn't answer because he was awfully busy with his "portable" bag phone. The topic of our call recently was about the new phone he got from work. I asked if it was an iPhone, nope, a blackberry. Who cares, geriatrics can operate those. But this was different, it was the new BB Storm, with full touchscreen. " you don't even know how to use those things". His reply... "I've already had to pull out the sim card to restart it twice after I locked it up". I think for Christmas I'm going to give a roll of quarters so in an emergency he can still make calls.

in a world full of choices, they're all shit

I'm 100 percent positive that the new Hot Carl Fudge Sundae at Dairy Queen will take away 100 percent of the sales of the Peanut Buster Parfait. If you want a dessert that looks like 2 girls already ate it and shit it back into a cup.... then now you have 2 choices at Dairy Queen. Well 3, which of the two desserts to order, and who to vomit it back up onto.

Just when you thought no one could top an original

I was at Dairy Queen yesterday and they have a Hot Carl Fudge Sundae. Soft serve, of course.

And like Pinkberry you can add toppings like peanuts...and corn.

Found porn!

I found this at a cafe called Clementine and had to get a picture. It was in West Hollywood, of course.

And don't ask me what I was doing in West Hollywood.

It's beginning to look a lot like XXXmas

First, I'm glad you used the "large" picture option to post. I'd hate for anyone to miss out on what you were referring to.

Second, I'd be able to get you one, but it would have to be a finger watch. I hear you can only get these in Japan. Oh, and from midgets.

Give me a call tonight at half past balls.

For Christmas I Want...

A new wristwatch. Sometimes the best gifts cost nothing at all. They are practical, last forever and are currently at hand. I wish everyone could receive a gift as thoughtful and useful as this. Is it purple thirty already? Oh, no, just veiny o'clock, gotcha ya.

You're MY Inspiration

I saw a picture of this when I was a kid and I always wanted to run around the top while singing 'Hard Habit To Break'.

I read that Peter Cetera lives in the building and sometimes late at night you can hear him weep.

As influential as the Dalai Lama

Wow, 100 posts already. It seems like just yesterday I was biting down on a Hebrew National when I looked up and told you, "Hey, let's start a BLOG!". Well if I could actually find one I'd say let's crack open a Double Black Stout and toast to the next 100 posts or to when people stop reading this, whichever comes first. So here's to all of the Trannies, Asians, Gays, Blacks, and the Gay Asian/Black Trannies we yet to ridicule and offend. Cheers!

101st post spactacular

Wow a mile stone...100 posts. As I look back I can only think about what my friends and family must think about my behavior. Twisted memories and horrible skewed views of people, sandwiched between gay jokes, innuendo and more gay jokes. From now on rather than look back, I'm only going to look ahead. Ahead toward the future of put downs, zings, and celebratory lower back tattoos. I have one picked out for my co-host. Its a big, tanned catchers mitt spread open and ready to receive "the pitch". Here's to hundreds of more posts....I wouldn't be half as funny, if it weren't for you being so easy to make fun of.

Not since FedEx Kinkos has there been a merger this good

Since when did Conroy's Flowers put an Asian massage parlor inside their shops?

I drive past this place everyday and I finally was able to take a picture of it. And stop in.

I could use another tan trenchcoat

I think I'll spend all of my money on bags of candy and a windowless van.

What do you get the kid who has everything...or doesn't technically 'exist' yet

Speaking of Planned Parenthood, I have also heard on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and SNL's Weekend Update (my only sources for news) that their gift cards are hot this year. So hot in fact, that we set up a gift card table at the restaurant complete with rubber tree, pink Asian boxes and wire hangers. PLUS, if you buy a Pro Choice Bear (with removable fetus!) it comes with a $50 gift card. Act now before the holidays end! Or Roe v. Wade is overturned.

Vacation All I ever wanted

I'm trying to line up my vacations for '09. Mid January NYC and upstate. Your brothers going to Japan in Feb or Mar, I'm trying to cut weight so I can hide away in his luggage. My Dad will be in New Mexico in March, Killer bees anyone? Nick and Krystal's wedding is in Seattle on Jun 16th. For Sarah's birthday we will probably head to Las Vegas in late July. She wanted to go to new york, we'll just stay in the MGM Mirage property of the same name. She'll never know. Nobody tell her, OK? Depending on where you choose to move and be miserable, I'll fly or drive (if close enough) and visit you after your settled. Oh shit what about Chicago?

Return on investment

Tonight I heard back from our old property manager that we would be getting back our entire security deposit minus $100. Our anal retentiveness for a shoeless household really paid off. Only touch paint was needed in places that your brother and I dragged your grill against during move in. So what are you going to do with your half of the $1650?
I'm contemplating two ideas...
--->1. Turning the $825 into all singles, driving to Gilroy, parking in a stall at Sonic (Americas Drive In), convincing the 4, 18 year old carhop girls to take off everything their wearing but their skates, and then making it rain.
--->2. Buy 9, $50 gift cards to Planned Parenthood (the hottest GC this season). Why 9? I don't know, but that's my guess on how many girls are in one of the middle school classrooms that I drive past everyday. Use your imagination.

Been living under a rock have you?

Unless over the last couple months your Saturday nights have been occupied with hot sexy dates, (which I'm sure they have not, me being 400 miles away in all) what the hell have you been doing. Andy Samberg has been carrying SNL with his hilarious digital shorts. Dick in a Box, Andy Punches, Space Olympics, Iran so far, Lazy Sunday...and the list goes on. If I had been encouraged to pursue humor early on like him I might have amounted to something more than a guy in a restaurant searching for a rope, a tree and a ladder.

Buyer beware

If you pay for it in yen, like I did, then you only get the Japanese version as pictured. I could tell it was roast beef, but it was blurry and hard to make out. I told the cashier that I couldn't see the meat and she suggested I order the tentacle sandwich instead.

"Post in my blog...jizz in my pants..."

You may have already seen this on SNL, but if you haven't it's worth a look. I was watching it on my DVR the other night and I loved it so much I had to watch it twice. Not since the debut of Debbie the Downer have I done that on SNL. I didn't even realize that's Justin Timberlake with the mop. Enjoy!

Go get a real job

Today I witnessed a bunch of picketers on a busy corner campaigning for the overturn of Prop 8. I support them, its a civil right issue, but thats besides the point. If you really want to do something positive for a cause that you believe in...Get a job. Even if its for a only one day, you could still earn some money which could then be donated to your cause. Theres a chance you could get a job that supported your cause and also provided you with money. For instance...be a day laborer outside Home Depot. When you're picked up to mow some rich guys lawn, you could carve a big "no on 8" design in his front yard. Maybe your hired to help paint the outside of a house. Pick up some red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet paint and your already halfway done with a rainbow. Picketing makes people despise you and your cause. Taking money from a homophobe to deface his own property makes you a hero.

I wish i has ¥en

Turns out the "Vulva" when purchased alone is quite a deal. Fives times the meat and dinner and a movie...its like the complete package. Unless you ask for the combo meal. Turns out the "Vulva" when paired with a fountain drink and fries costs $80. Sounds like a ripoff to me. If it weren't for the downward spiraling of the US economy, I'm sure I'd be able to steal this deal with 6 bucks, a coupon and a roofie. Get it together Greenspan, If Arby's wants to turn a profit I guess I'll just have to pay in yen.

Forget the Hot Carl

This just in, Arby's will introduce a new roast beef sandwich with 5 times the meat of the original. They are simply calling it...'Vulva'.

You can supersize it, but it'll cost you dinner and a movie.

Not that there's anything wrong with that

I heard there was some kind of "day without a gay" in West Hollywood today. Which I think you would refer to as "Lent".

I guess it was a protest against Prop 8, which I have to say I am appalled was passed. People in America obviously have a problem with gay men getting married, which is ridiculous even to a straight arrow like myself. Believe me, I speak from experience and I can tell you that those aren't the ONLY marriages being ruined by another man's cock.

And while we're on the subject of whores, by your calculation below, are you saying that SPAM would be the equivalent to your days in little league? It's going to be OK. Now just point on the doll where the bad man touched you.

Hmmmm

You must be referring to this photo? Next to perfect turkey gravy this is the other thing a $80,000 culinary arts education got you. Of course this one uses a gravy of another sort. More of a batter, if you will. The Chinese would call it cream of sum yung guy, I hear. If you were a gardener you would plant this seed, you see. In Texas they refer...aw hell, it's cum.

SPAM = salty penis and meat?

I have always heard that there were all different flavors of Spam. Spam, Spam lite, Spam with Bacon, Spam with Tabasco, Spam garlic, Spam with cheese, Spam singles...etc. Once while in Hawaii I actually took a picture of the Spam shelf in the supermarket. It was a Cornucopia of color and flavors that topped out at 15 or so varieties. But it wasn't until I returned to the mainland and attended a dinner party hosted by a Japanese Hawaiian that I learned of my true favorite Spam variety...Spam Penis (picture to be added later)

Double Decker Disaster

In case you cant tell by the picture, this is the rear view of a bright red, double decker fire rescue truck stroller from the Oakridge mall. It has several stickers, four tires, 2 steering wheels, and one warning to parents. In case all you idiot parents left all your common sense and parenting skills at home with the true 40 inch LCD guardian of your kids, safety comes in all caps...DO NOT PUT CHILD IN BAG!...or else your Fire Truck will become severely off balance, your kid's legs will get sucked into the wheel wells and you guessed it...a DDD will ensue.

Only in Hawaii

Is SPAM actually the parts that weren't good enough to become hot dogs?

These are the thoughts that haunt me right before I fall asleep.

Which begs the question...

...is Pooh a boy or a girl? Or some hermaphodite half breed sewn shut? And what about his band of friends? What a fucked up group this is, huh? A tiger hopped up on speed, a single kangaroo mom in need of a baby daddy, a depressed suicidal donkey and a OCD rabbit in desperate need of anger management treatment?! And let's not forget the schizophrenic kid who imagines that these "friends" keep telling him to kill his parents. Oh Disney, you're the best.

Did you know?

...that pinatas don't come with candy already inside? I did not know that.

Last time I crossed the Mexico border someone was selling a Winnie the Pooh pinata, but their handwriting wasn't very good so it said 'Poon' across his shirt.

Quite a mouthful

If we started a business together I think we should sell tea. It's such the craze these days. Think about it, an Asian and a Jew selling teabags. I could call mine Green Matcha and you could call yours Hairy & Shriveled.

Johnson and his johnson

Were the people who were wearing the uniforms the claimants? As though they thought that if they showed their pride for the very company that shunned them perhaps the judge would award them unemployment? Or maybe the judge would decide that the company had to take them back and this way they were dressed and ready to clock in. Either way, I'm sure they were all bad employees who were always tardy, always called out sick or just refused to sleep with their front desk manager.

It's not my fault

On Wednesday I had to attend a hearing to contest unemployment benefits for someone who didn't deserve them. I wore my work clothes, slacks, dress shirt and tie. When I got there the room was packed. Claimants and Big companies filled the room. I was easily able to tell who was who because like me, the employers wore their work outfits. There was Bevmo (a guy in shorts and a green bevmo polo), Walgreens (2 men in dress shirts with Walgreens logo on them), Comcast (dress shirt with Comcast logo on it), Petco (same dress shirt deal) and the attendant kept calling more and more big companies. First Mervyns then I thought I heard Johnson and Johnson, but it ended up just being a black guy name Johnson wearing a sweatsuit.

A picture is worth...the framing costs

If it's above your toilet, it should be this.

Smells like teen spirit

I have distinct odor memories, or "scentories" of the following. The mix of popcorn, frozen bananas and faintly chlorinated water at Disneyland. Construction paper. The fake forrest in the E.T. ride at Universal. Indians (the curry ones, not the litter alongside a highway one). The scratch n sniff sticker of "rootbeer" from 3rd grade. My belly button.

We'll be right back, after these commercials.

Next stop...Podcast

True, not all of the jokes can be funny. The people I work with are proof of that. But it can be difficult to find the comedic timing in the written word. I'm not talking about the Bible, though I do love good fiction. A lot rests in how the reader interprets it. I think a radio show would be easier because we could control the delivery..."fuck" is funnier to say than to read.

delicious odors

My favorite smells... Weird. It's probably just me that has an infinity and desire for odd smells. Today while walking behind a foul armpit of a guest I realized that a lot of my favorite smells are weird and attached to similarly weird memories. Some I can't even describe, but I can tell you exactly where and when I smelled it. For instance there is a smell, not of money or smoke but of something clean and well kept that can be found in the lobby of Wynn Las Vegas. There is equally nice but completely different smell that can be found in The Hotel (part of the Mandalay Bay). Contrastly, the smell of Victoria Secret "Love Spell" makes me think of this whore from college who would "try out" anything that was of med size and length to just "see how it felt in there". I was left out, being of less than med size during my college years. And finally the smell of skunk, now that's hard to describe..... It good and definitely better than the absence of smell.

I found tiny nails on the wall above my toilet. I think someone at sometime had hung something there. I'm currently looking for picture to hang there for me. My first thought is a celebrity on the pot taking a shit. Make that guy Andre 3000 dropping bombs over Baghdad or Brittney skirt up chotch out lettin it all go. Even Mark Summers painfully pushing through a double dare. Any ideas or pics you've found ......

No brain = No laughing

I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get the hang of this blog / morning show. I'm guessing that comments by followers are like call-ins to the show. And the jokes referring to, talking about, and describing in detail; TESTICLES, is you, digging deep for material right before a commercial break. I tell people all the time "not all the jokes can be funny". But what I really mean is here's a quarter, go buy a clue, if you had any sense of your surroundings, you would already be laughing. Idiots

Coming up in the next hour

Today's Phrase that Pays is..."ropey strands". Be the 10th caller and get a chance to win a pearl necklace.

Shrinkage

Did you know that Fresno is part of the raisin capital of the world? Did you also know that Fresno is the Meth capital of the world? And that Meth makes your balls the size of raisins?

What a small world, huh?

Great film music

So I tossed and turned last night trying to think of my favorite instrumental music. And I have to say it is the grand brass horns that play as I ride down the plains of North Dakota alongside the mighty Tatonka with my Indian pals (the casino Indians, not the dot-com ones). Perfect music for that long LA to SF drive, plane rides to Japan or when I just want to shake that bear.

Big things come in little packages

So we found this after dinner in Seattle our first night and had to preserve it on film. We couldn't believe what we saw. Then I realized we were in a Chinese restaurant and it was maybe there for asians to deal with our, er "shortcomings". Kind of like one of those inspirational posters people hang up from a Successories store. Except this one doesn't have a picture of a sperm whale with the word "ACHIEVE".

And in case you were wondering, worried, scared or puzzled...that is Will's finger.

For the birds

I dated an asian girl once who had one of those masks. I think it was to prevent bird flu but she would wear it to bed during sex. When we were done you could say it looked like a winshield after going through a haupia car wash.

Brought to you by your local DMV

I will use this blog for the greater good and post this educational piece for all to see.

When driving on a two lane highway, the left lane is for PASSING!

Perhaps you should turn down your Jurrasic Park soundtrack, put the cell phone down and pay attention.

Yes, you, fuckface.

I feel so much better. Thanks.

My favorite instrumental music ever

Maybe it was just the helicopter free of landing gear flying through the green lush hills of Costa Rica (real life Hawaii) that made me swoon. Or it could have been the feel of impending danger. I'm glad I wasn't on that island. But I'm nothing but appalled that they made sequels. The same musical piece is in all three. I wish I had it as a ring tone and for my alarm clock and in my car as a seat belt reminder and as walking music anytime I strolled a hallway.

Accelerator down after filling up

I used to have that same experience. I'd put 10 or so gallons into the "masterbaker" (my 90' nissan stanza) and try to catch up to the cars I already passed. I would usually judge my progress by the amount of cars that I could remember. The easiest cars to remember were the funny ones like grandma in back, asleep on window, old lady with blinker on since I passed her 15 miles back, and asshole who drives 56 mph in the far left lane with no recollection of where his rear view mirror is. Back then, on the east coast, I thought I had it bad. Then I met Asian women, and don't get me started on those welder masks.

I drove home today

Have you ever pulled over for gas on a long road trip and thought to yourself "now I'm gonna have to spend the next 50 miles passing every idiot driver I just finished passing for the LAST 50 miles". Maybe it's just me.

An opening ceremony I'd like to see

I love the pic on your last post. It looks like in 2012 there will be a 200 meter, 2 girls, 1 cup competition at the Olympics. Though they may want to wait until Germany hosts.

As for the coffee table, we could head to IKEA, pick up the DANSKLANPDUMBLEDOR glass table top, fill ourselves up with Swedish Meatballs for $1.99 and head home with our allen wrenches for a rockin' fun time. Of course, by the time we actually assemble the table, we may be too pooped to poop.

3 followers and counting

While searching for cool options and nifty add-ons in our blog i found a way to add my picture to my profile. I also found that we have a third follower. First there was Jesse then myself and then our third follower "loves a good hot carl". there are only a few people who i think this could be. If HKDS had a small female or male following i would guess them first, but he doesnt. Im clueless...Also check out my inappropriately cropped photo. and then buy a glass coffee table so the three of us can come over ...AFTER a meal

Not to be outdone...

Taco Bell has come out with the Fiesta Hot Carl Crunch Wrap Supreme. This one is a warm tortilla stuffed with creamy refried beans and corn. All wrapped in plastic...of course. Try it with their Fire sauce for that burning sensation.

One night in Bangkok

So one of our avid followers...ok the ONLY follower...suggested that you and I have a "fabulous bromance". Which got me to thinking, you like asians and I like caucasians. I guess all that's left is for me to travel to Thailand and become that ladyboy I always dreamed of being. You just have to decide if you want franks & beans or clam dip for the rest of your life.

If I may get serious for a bit...

Can I just say that my partner in crime is just about as great a friend as anyone can find? I just spent a great week on vacation complete with double stouts, missed opportunities, $80,000 turkey gravy AND tepanyaki! You complete me. It's too bad that prop 8 was passed because homosexuals like you are one in a million and you deserve all the happiness that man on man action can bring.

Don't cry over spilled milk

So last night as I walked back to my car I slipped and fell, spilling a large cup of cream I was bringing back home for Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. I fell hard on my back, couldn't breathe and there was cream everywhere while people watched. It was like a gay bukake video.

Kung Pau Turkey

Did I mention that Will's coming over for Thanksgiving? An Asian and a Jew celebrating the white man's invasion of Native American territory. The menu will consist of fried rice, latkas and hot and sour matzo ball soup.

LA to SJ in 5 hours

So as I drove up to San Jose yesterday, I began to smell the faint odor of fresh manure. I immediately knew I was coming up on the famed "Cow Mountain". Thousands of cows as far as the eye could see. No I wasn't driving past a Jenny Craig. Just miles of pasture with a billion cows all belching in unison and thereby contributing to our global warming crisis. That's a fact I heard on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Thank goodness for that show, otherwise I would have no idea what's going on in the world. That show and Wikipedia. Did you know that if you Wikipedia "Wikipedia" your browser opens a website for liars anonymous? I'm not sure why.

As opposed to...

Movie titles that already sound like gay porn:

The Rock
Ironman
Free Willy
Hancock
High School Musical

Edward Penishands...

Porn based on movie titles I'd like to see...

Swordfist
Pearl's Harbor
Quantum of Anus
The Little Hermaid
School of Cock
Lay Anything
Impregster Gadget
Spongebob Squarepants 2: Search for the Chocolate Starfish

Really?!

Wait, Shoes For Crews has a STORE?! It's like I died and went to slip-resistant heaven. You know what else is slip-resistant? The floor in a porno theater. Now THAT is heaven.

Also, I have never been with a "working girl", but it would seem that the economy...oh wait, I have.

Sales at the seashore declining

Judging by the fact that we received no calls yesterday, the downward spiraling economy has really hit everyone, every those who sell their bodies. You'd think streetwalkers would still do well. After you lose your job why not drink yourself to death and shack up with a hooker? Or even cut out the coupons in the pennysaver for the 2 for 1 erotic massage. I used to have a good 5-10 joke bit on prostitution. It started with an amateur complaining about the services rendered from the professional. And the punchline... " you don't like what I did, who are you? I have sex for a living. Turns out you can't practice that material unless your in front of a group of prostitutes. Without practice the jokes evaporated. And with that set dying, so did my love for all things "sex" that cost money. Sorry sex workers of America, no matter how bad the economy, I can't justify spending the money. I'm just going to cry the whole time about forgotten jokes and E.D.

airports and shoe stores

DFW, DSW. They're pretty similar if your a one eyed KM or a frequent flyer who forgets their shoes on planes all the time. Don't feel bad, later on, after our civil union you'll get to experience... ORD, ALB, KIX, JFK, MRY, MIA, LAS, and SEA. And don't forget... Famous Footwear, Footlocker, Payless Shoesource, Shoe Palace and the brick and mortar Shoes For Crews store in LAS.

the Twinkie Cowboy

I'm pretty sure that Twinkie Cowboy was a professional wrestler in a previous life.
1. He looks like he's trying to get the crowd to cheer louder and support him while his his opponent lies "helpless" until right before he jumps and the guy moves out of the way.
2. I'm not sure if the camel clutch an ethnic move that only Arabs can do, but, this Twinkie Cowboy sure looks like he's going crab the twinkies chin and pull.
3. He's already got an outfit / theme / ethnicity. You got to have that going for you to even get into the ring. He's obviously a gun slinging, chew spitting, cow roping Cowboy who lassos his opponents with some sort of rope. The rope will eventually contribute to his demise, when is hung from the rafters in a Death Match gone wrong, cream everywhere!

I wasn't going to say anything...

But how gay is that photo?!

I was gonna follow up with either:

a. That's the new mascot for Arena Football.
b. That's my Halloween costume next year.
c. That's the new marketing campaign for Twinkies in West Hollywood, The Castro and...Pittsburgh.

The reason we get along...

...is because I'm yellow on the outside and filled with white cream on the inside. Wait, that came out wrong.

House of Asia

I think the reason we invite you to Thanksgiving is so that someone can reach the can of cranberry sauce on the top shelf. Anyway, don't Jews spend Thanksgiving in Chinese restaurants?

Call now!

Since we wanted this to be an actual morning radio show I figured we need the "phrase that pays". Today's is "Susie sells herself to make up for her daddy issues by the seashore".

Sweet turducken...may it RIP

Did you know that Turducken actually made its way into the Stephen Colbert Show last night? Hard to believe that was only a year ago when we spent 90 hours online searching for it, driving 90 miles to buy it, spending 90 dollars on it, cooking cooling and cooking for 90 thousand minutes and then having 90 plates of leftovers because no one really ate it.

Do you have these in size faaaabulous?

After reading your post, I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how Fabio got a golf cart into a shoe store?! Then I actually READ your post.

New York City Boy

Every time i see the picture of "swordfightinthemorning" at the top, i think of the Pet Shop Boys. That picture could be them 25 or 30 years ago. here is an updated picture, time really does heal all wounds...no matter how deep or stretched.

no fowl more foul

with all the extra time we'll have this year, I plan on getting drunk earlier in the day. Most likely at your brothers house with all the other Asians. I'll confess now that after the beer, wine and Crown I will probably be spending alot of time proclaiming my love to all the hot Asian ladies and there daughters. Bless those holidays and the memories that we get to have after each year.

no triple fowl this year

I'm kinda sad we don't have all the extra responsibility of locating, securing, storing, cooking, transporting, cooking again, and serving of a TurDuckHen. I remember smiling the entire week leading up to thanksgiving last year. The whole experience was 95% awesome. Until it was time to eat it. Chicken and Duck that have been spiced, packed with stuffing and frozen taste exactly the same and weren't worth the chewing energy. And with all that bird on bird on bird action it took forever to cook. Like the turkey and the duck were to busy gettin' freaky to realize they were in a 500 degree oven.

homoginization of butter flavoring

once while walking through DFW, I ran into Fabio. Well not really ran into, but his golf cart almost ran me over. It was the weirdest thing, he was the passenger and was on high alert (maybe red or yellow what ever the highest is). The gold cart was adorned with hanging tassels from where the windshield would be all the way to the back. The whole time I was waiting and wishing for that bird to hit him in the nose. He still pushes that chemical spread we use for buttering our corn and fists with right?

Ted Turner ruined a classic

I think the B&W version of our photo at the bottom of the page represents our TV signal signing on for the very first time. Kind of like how all I saw was B&W the first time I tried being a power bottom.

Forget the Captain Crunch shake...

Yesterday for dinner I went to Carl's Jr and had their new Six-Dollar Hot Carl Bacon Burger. It wasn't really a burger...just a hot dog bun filled with runny chili wrapped in plastic wrap.

www.urbandictionary.com

That's some fukt porn

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One of these days...

I want to change the name of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' to 'I Can't Believe This Gets My Fist In'.

For your protection

So the first thing I saw in the office today was a security wand metal detector. I guess we got it to find silverware. If I was in the Oakridge office, I'd know it was to search the staff.

Which reminds me, what white trash text did you actually send to the radio station? Was it "I have a man crush on an Asian guy"?

Now that I think about it...

I've always known you to have a big bag of seed.

On your chin.

I love fake boobs...

Mmmm, and I would have flown the coop too...if you catch my drift. You may be right, so don't get too mushy on me since it wasn't you I was there 3 times a week to see. And you're also right that I often do "ask for it" getting all dolled up with lipstick, high heels and a gallon of White Diamonds. Or am I thinking of Maria?

CAUTION!

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3 seconds of public notariety

i texted in to a radio station today...They read it over the air. Turns out the only thing i had to say, truly brought out my inner white trash. Thanks Live 105 and new affinity to texting. pinche iPhone

for those of you that were curious

Are those sunflower seeds in my pocket or is it a sunflower seed bag void of seeds, now occupied by rubber gloves, horse tranquilizers, and "snugger fit" condoms. You be the judge.

a's game pic

the picture at the bottom of this page, a black and white fuzzy photo of 2 friends in a parking lot, posing and unloading is of poor quality and taste. I have the clear color version which clearly depicts you "asking for IT". I may or may not be smiling but I sure am thinking of smiling. Come to think of it, that was before we truly knew we would end up like this. Our actual meeting was in the office months before your training began. You were there to pick up a cake an ogle the coop. All I could think was who is this corporate guy wearing dirty hiking boots and what is he doing here.

Hey btw,

thes bloger thing has a spel cheq. I suggess you yoose it.

Speaking of whores...

Do you think Strawberry Shortcake has seeds on her nipples?

I guess I'll end up harassing every cartoon we ever grew up with. Don't worry He-Man, I'll get to you soon enough, and no safeword is gonna save you this time.

Had to get this last one in before bed.

Wouldn't it be funny if...

...Shel Silverstein died crossing the street?

Look it up. That's as intellectual as this blog will ever get.

Blogging is fun...

Kinda like masturbating, but without having to clean the ceiling.

If a tree fell in the middle of a forrest...

...and I fucked it. Would anyone hear it scream?

www.shakethatbear.com

I'm sorry. That last comment may have crossed the line...

Ok, I sat here for a minute and thought about the Patriot act. Which reminded me of the movie Enemy State which is such a good movie. You know the one about Will Smith being spied on. I haven't seen it in a long time. In fact I should go put that on right now. Oooh, and make popcorn. Anyway, in case the FBI is watching, I don't REALLY like children to be strippers.

Just the hot ones.

A limo, stripper pole and a Jew walk into a bar...

As for a pole in a limo, I did see it performed in the porno "Darby O'Dildo & the Clitto People" and "Wizard of Aahs".

Actually, it would work with MY kind of strippers...kids.

Andy the Asian says...a thousand points of right...

1. I have SOME body hair. They're just slanted. And good at math.

2. Actually, I guess a tranny Transformer would be a Deceptacon. Or at least that's what I would call that "girl" that tricked me once at a bar in Hollywood. Ok, twice.

3. Jeff told me that slamming it would work. Unless that was just his way of getting me to show him my penis. I wondered why we had the discussion in the liquor room.

a few points

1. I already assumed the Asian with no body hair would choose to be the burley guy with the stash.
2. We already have transgender transformers... They're called HERMS
3. How is it possible for you to remember every activity and act you perform with a sourdough bagette when most of the time your half blacked out from trying to make your penis bigger by slammnling in the door jam of your car.
4. Not really a point more of a question. If you have a stripper pole in your limo can it only be performed on by midgets?

I don't mean to ask, but...

...can I be the guy with the hat and the mustache? Thanks.

Speaking of Transformers...

I found this in an old email:

In the original series, wasn't there a female Transformer? I think her headlights were her boobs and her sunroof turned into a giant vagina.

Which made me wonder:

Would a shemale Transformer be a Transgenderformer? It would probably be a Hybrid.

Uh, btw...

...stop sniffing the oven cleaner. You'll need it since I baked a sourdough baguette, rubbed it along my taint and consequently spooged all over the wire racks. Have you ever smelled burnt spunk?! What am I saying, of course you have.

I'd also stay away from ordering a Factory Burger.

Not so big trouble in little China...

Well, last I heard a Yellow Jacket is an asian condom.

Yellow Jackets???

Really Yellow Jackets....? I don't even know what those are.. I do know that now yellow jackets are over the counter up-ers that enable the Boost Mobile models to function, and perform?, while the real drug to stay away from is crack. It KILLS form what I hear. oh and that drug that poor people use instead cocaine, which may in fact be crack or some derivative of baking soda that doesn't make cookies rise. i heard inhaling oven cleaner is bad too, but it sure does make my eyes water and the oven shiny

Which begs the question...

What's a Smurf's cure for Blue Balls?

Ok, that one was a bit junior high.

Fuck you.

What's the point?!

If a Smurf tried to make a pearl necklace it would just look like Smurfette was sweating. On her neck.

You know what?!

What ever happened to Yellow Jackets? Remember those? In school it was always stay away from uppers, downers, yellow jackets and barbituates.

You don't hear about anyone overdosing on Yellow Jackets anymore. I miss the good ole days.

Vocabulary update...

Throbbing, erupt and bukake are some of my favorite words.

Oh, and manseed.

A show I'd like to see...

...is Puppetry, but with women. Of course, it would only be a 10 minute show with a hibiscus and that rubber coin purse I had when I was 7.

How we met...

I was opening the restaurant one morning and I had to really take a shit. Then I realized it was just Will's finger.

The rest is history.

If...

If I were gay I would get so much attention that I would have to beat them off with a stick. Or at the very least, my hand.

It is 12:41pm on Sunday, November 16, 2008...

...as we begin our very first broadcast.

I'm Jesse on the left with Will on the right.

This is the official start of all things funny, not so funny and anything in between.