Have we become this lazy?!

So first of all, here's a picture of said shoe. Being in LA, I'm assuming that even the homeless are still trying to stay in shape so that they can become a famous actor, which is why they moved here in the first place, didn't succeed and, therefore, became homeless.

In tip top shape (ups)

A while back, a shoe company named Skechers debuted shoes called "shape ups". They were just like any other athletic sneakers but had one gigantic advantage. The shoes were rounded on the sole. With the extra curve, it required the wearer to use more of their ass to balance themselves. Hence the name "shape ups". Now that we're all up to speed I need some help with a few questions. Why did I see a homeless lady in Santa Monica passed out on a bench wearing a pair of these shoes? Where did they get this silly pair of footwear? Why was the lady covering her calves and ass with long pants? Is the homeless population of California really that concerned with the way their ass looks, or do they just want more ass padding for those uncomfortable bus stop benches and cardboard houses they sleep on? Most creative answers will win today's prize.... Guest appearance on next weeks morning show. (your own post)

While we're on the subject...

I'll have to ask my brother, but it seems to me that the top speed on a Prius is 20 mph since no one ever drives one any faster than that. Ever.

2 Cars Per Green Part 2

1. Those ARE welders masks that happen to provide protection from bird flu and other Asian diseases such as cat indigestion and tinycocolytis.

2. In San Jose, the signs should be written in Chinese as "2 CAR YOU GO NOW!"

3. In Los Angeles, the sign should also include a picture of a 65 year old Caucasian man holding money. That would at least get the Asian females to notice it.

2 Cars Per Green

Why is it so hard to understand? When the metering light turns green, the car in front of you, and YOU can go. Has the wonderfully beautiful California sun cooked your brain so much that you cant read tiny little black and white signs at the entrance of the freeways? Or, are all of you driving those Toyota Camerys and Honda Accords actually Asian Females wearing welders masks??????

Everything is Bigger in Texas....

Except the budget for electric golf carts at IAH (George Bush Intercontinental airport) in Houston. I take that back, maybe its not a small budget, but a couple of bad apples who ruined the bunch. Let me set the scene for you.... It's 5AM CST at IAH, I'm walking through the terminal and I hear a person not yelling, but loudly speaking "beap" "beap" "beap". I turned around expecting to see some jackass with a big suitcase. Instead I find an electric cart driven by an employee of IAH, transporting some non-crippled non-frequent flyers who are too inept to walk on their own. Can they not afford to fix the horns? Did some angry ill-tempered driver "lay on the horn" a little too long. Either way its a story that didn't end well. Beep moves no one, "HONK" does, but I'm sure the same cry baby who complained about the horn, also said "HONK" was offensive. When walking through an airport; use your legs, move fast and grow a pair, or buy an ipod (and then a wheelchair).

I didn't get crabs...just cuts.

I've been to that red light district and that's the same girl I took back to my hotel. She wasn't worth it though. I had her on her back and she just kept watching tv. Maybe I should've put the tv on her left side.

Best appetizer since "bacon wrapped pork stuffed with ham"

In my never ending search for all things Pig, I may have found an appetizer that gets right to the point with out having to pull any punches. Any future relationship will only have a chance at being my second love, for my happy heart has already been completed by "Pint o Bacon". Hope no one is starring at my pants right now!?!

Red light district, Old news!

I've never been to Amsterdam, but I sure have heard a lot about the naked women soliciting sex in the red light district. Well I found a better place thats closer and safer for you and your health. South Beach Miami FL. On Collins Ave between 17th and Lincoln. Leave your condoms and worries at home and enjoy the "plastic light district"!!! p.s. her name is Candy and she is sweet!

LOLROTFRARIMWC!!

For you non-accessible chatters, that's 'laughing out loud, rolling on the floor round and round in my wheel chair'.

We're going to hell for sure.

Hope they have a chair lift.

My legs aren't tired at all!!!

So last night I had the pleasure of attending the last home game of the playoff bound San Jose Sharks. The Last home game of the year is a big deal, its "Fan Appreciation Night". They must have have given away 20 jerseys, 8 sets of concert tix, a ton of GC's and the list goes on. Nobody in my seats, row or section won anything. But one "special" fan across the arena did. Section 206, Row WCA, seat 5. WCA, you ask????? Wheel Chair Accessible, in section 206. Seat 5? That's the interesting part.. I would have just listed it as SEC 206, Row WCA, Seat "brought your own"

This is kinda catchy...

When Chuck Norris takes a shit, he takes yours.

My turn...

The saying "what goes around comes around" was shortened from "whatever goes around disrespecting Chuck Norris, will comes a round house toward the face" by people who were too scared that the original version would disrespect Chuck Norris, a round house would be headed their way!

Let me try one...

When you and Chuck Norris are in a Subway and you order a $5 footlong, you give Chuck Norris 10 bucks.

Walker Ranger in Texas

I just got a great new book..."The Truth About Chuck Norris". Here's an excerpt:

"Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one."

This stuff just writes itself...

This is a snapshot of an actual menu to Pomona Mining Company...a steakhouse with a great view of Orange County. One can obviously see why I tried to make a reservation here since they have a Glory Hole. That would have been a mouthful, but the dish actually comes with asparagus spears and a bearnaise sauce. Really?! Oh, come on!!

I think the picture speaks for itself...

I was in Pottery Barn the other day and the girl I was with really liked this lamp. I didn't have the heart to tell her that that's the only way Mrs. Jolly Green Giant can hide her gigantic dildo. Ho, Ho, Ho indeed.

Fecal Face Dot Gallery

I'm not sure what kind of establishment this is. I'm also not sure if I even want to know. But, it wouldn't surprise me to find Indian people celebrating their culture and faith with poop on their foreheads.

Best Idea EVER

What would make a bloody mary better? (Well aside from not having the memories of the previous night that you're trying to drink away). Add bacon, lettuce, tomato, and bread with mayo on the side. I salute you Hash Hash A Go Go! You have captured all I want in a drinkable alcoholic breakfast sandwich. I could have used some celery though. Just sayin'