Thank you Jesus!!!

I just wrote 4 new posts which means I just blew my load. I'll need at least 15 minutes before I'm ready again.

Versus

Btw, there's nothing different between religion and a good manual release. Like the great churches in the South, I scream out "thank you jesus!" as my eyes roll back into my head, my body stiffens and I suddenly fall back into a bunch of nuts more than eager to break my fall.

Move Along 2: The Beginning

I love that our tag cloud has, in one line, the words "pleasure", "ribs" and "saliva".

Move along...

Testicular Vagina. No joke here, I just thought it sounded funny...like 'free gift'.

Coexist?!

Is that what that bumper sticker is?! I thought it was that new Pagan rock band I saw in the "Listeners Also Bought" section of iTunes. True story, I once told a guest she had something on her forehead and handed her a wetnap. She said it was for Ash Wednesday and I told her, oh sorry, it looked like backsplash from a gay aborted fetus. Oops, my bad.

Religilous

Were you walking around all Wednesday staring at peoples foreheads? Wondering why they were dirty and more importantly why were they not cleaning it off? Are you that insensitive? Check that...ignorant? Just cause your Sunday ritual of eating ramen, napping and giving yourself manual releases all day makes more sense and is way more fun then Christianity, doesn't mean you shouldn't learn about other ways people waste their time and pocket change. Get a clue. Haven't you seen the coexist bumper sticker? Which coincidentally can not be on any car parked at this church nearby. Well at least that's whet there sign says. "Jesus loves all who are Christian, those who aren't you know what's gonna happen to you"

Nailed it...

Yesterday I was talking to a fellow manager and it went a bit like this:

M: I have to go to church today for lent.
J: I didn't know you were Jewish.
M: What?! It's not a Jewish holiday. Don't you know the Jews killed Jesus?!
J: I don't think now's the time to be pointing fingers.

Besides, Jesus died trying to put together cheap IKEA furniture. That's what Dr. Edelstein told me.

Ticket times

After a couple of drinks at LA's posh Velvet Margarita, I decided to order their creme filled churros to-go. I told my friend that it was the greatest dessert and so delicious. After taking an incredible 45 minutes to come out, my friend of course felt that they were JUST churros and quite a let down. I'd guess that anything that takes 45 minutes would naturally be a let down.

Except, of course, an orgasm.

Don't forget...

...that I also told you that California has a current soap and towel shortage so we have to use just our hands and saliva.

Table for one...minus the table

So my cohost traveled down to LA this weekend and is here on what feels like the longest sleepover ever. Yesterday he woke up at 12pm and announced (as I guess he always does) that he's gonna poop and shower. As I yelled from my bedroom that we have to leave in 15 minutes all I could hear was my microwave beeping. I investigated and soon found him walking into the bathroom with a to-go box. Some of us read, while some dwell on the meaning of life. You, however, sit there eating leftover hashbrowns smothered in onions and mushrooms while you squeeze out the very same items from the night before. You should just spare the middleman and dump your plate of food into the toilet.

And, please, throw that fork away.

Water shortage in California

It seems like every year it's " the worst drought in history" for California. Does that mean that next year will be even dryer? Yes it does. But what I really need is someone to call into the show and help me. I need help to convince my co-host of the best way to conserve water. I say please continue to brush your teeth, but water your lawn less. He says we should take every shower together. HELP!

What's worse?

Eating hashbrowns smothered with mushrooms onions and bacon while taking a dump. OR. Taking a photo of yourself in a full length mirror while going number 2 in a public restroom? Don't get me started on the placement of mirrors in cript stalls.

FO. Fathers Office

W: food or company?
J: denitely company. So I had a win win situation tonight. And blew it.
W: a girl and guy dating, sitting at our table is not win win unless you like threesome rotiseries.
J: which would have tasted better than those ribs.
W: here's the deal asshole, Ribs are usually delicious. Unless your focused on stealing some guys girlfriend instead of eating them.
J: That's what I do best is steal girlfriends. Or at least make them realize what they're missing. Besides they were on date 5 and she still didn't kiss him. She's obviously holding out.
W: holding out yes. For you NO! For an black AMEX card yes! She'll get home, alone and wonder what did I just pass up?
J: Beauty of it is shell be thinking of me for at least a couple of days. And she doesn't Even realize how small my penis is.
W: thanks for interupting me. I was going to say she will realze she passed up a cute white guy and his Asian lady boy! That got to be worth at least 1.5 mintues of pure raw pleasure.
J:mmm ladyboys. Now I'm hard. Speaking of ladyboys, I ran into your mom the other day and she said she hadn't heard from you in a while. I told her it was cuz you were in my closet. My big gay closet.
W: put downs aside just cause your closet is filled with high heels, miniskirts and "snuggerfit extra strength condoms" does mean it's a gay closet. Did you tell her hi for me?
J: I did though I tried to conceal the thong poking out the back of my lowrise 7 jeans I had on. And don't forget the doc Jonson hanging out as well. On a serious note, I love showtunes.

Dating sucks

So it's worth mentioning that before I signed up for match.com I decided to try eHarmony first. I went to their website and began to take their compatibility questionnaire. A thousand questions later I clicked submit, only to be taken to a default page which asked me to sit down as it informed me that I was one of 12% of people of whom the site denies membership due to the "lack of suitable matches". I realized it must have been when I clicked "some high school" to the question "where do you usually meet the women you date?". Or when my reply to "how do you come on to women?" was "on her face".

There's no joke here. Just a sad, sad reality.

Is it just me...

...or is Jack In The Box going a bit too far? I was driving through Koreatown the other day when I saw this billboard for their new teriyaki bowls. Never mind the fact that teriyaki is a Japanese specialty and that they don't use brocolli in Japan. Or that bukake is still the number one sauce in the land of the rising sun. I was offended anyway. You know, not all of us have bowl cuts. Sheesh.

Sincerely,

Dusty Springroll

NYC..........pt 2

Do you remember those not so terrifying end of the world movies? They usually started in some terrible place where some bad chain of events would begin and not end for two painful hours. I never thought they were actually scary until I flew into LGA. After deplaning and ascending the jet bridge I found cinematic hell. I was certain that the grey and drab interior still styled from the 80's surely contained at least 3 terrorist and 2 biological threats. I felt with each turn of my neck, the camera was panning to conversation after conversation of sketchy people talking in languages that made them seem "up to something". It was cold and dirty inside. Everyone that didn't look suspicious was packed so tight into the terminal that they might as well of been passing the deadly disease from mouth to mouth. I will never be able to sit through another one of those flicks without reminding myself that the next time I go to NYC fly into Kennedy ONLY!

Match made in heaven

What's you big concern about your "Match" term coming to an end? I thought you were thoroughly satisfied with at least 2 of the 3 previous matches you were given. First was the Japanese import DVD and a bottle of lotion. I thought for sure this was meant to last. But, after only a week the bottle was empty, the DVD smudged, and the watersport scenes stale. Second, "The Big Deal" match was even shorter lived. Why set you up with a great, perfect match that went away so soon, only to be replaced with something "jumbo" and no drink? The third match, Doc Johnson was right up your alley. So why try and push it on me?

Shh, it's a secret!

So my Match Dot Com subscription is over in a week and I got to wondering how 3 months flew by so quickly. Then I started to reminisce about that one time when I went on a date with a girl who turned out to be a shemale. A tranny, if you will. Asians would call her a ladyboy, perchance. I was shocked, of course, but then figured that I should have known when I saw her username was crying_game2008.