Out of beer? Fill it with milk!

I've also seen these in my Adam & Eve catalog as a Fleshlight for zoophiles...or anyone from Kentucky.

When neoprene just isn't enough

Ready for a letdown? or 3?

They cost $800 a piece. That might include the outfit, (see link below of a tuxedo clad $800 squirrel beer) but I'm not sure. The reason I'm not sure......, When a colleague of mine order them, she received only the beer. Apparently Customs has a problem with European taxidermy wrapped around beer bottles. Go figure, I've seen some pretty outlandish coors light koozies in my time. That may be the worst part, unless you're buying it for the beer inside the bottle which is a staggering 50% abv, and by the description should taste of nettles and juniper. It actuality it tastes and smells of diesel fuel and when ingested reminds you of what might have hit it before Angus got it at the back door his taxidermist shop.

Ready for the wonderful surprises?

Follow this link and read the comments. Here's and excerpt from one of my favs. "I'm not really an animal activist... but this is pretty horrible" -Alex

http://www.asylum.com/2010/07/22/its-the-worlds-strongest-most-expensive-beer-inside-a-squi/

I think I prefer a Black & Tan...

You know, like Halle Berry...or Jessica Alba.

One Vagina To Rule Them All...

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Vaginal Puppeteering vs. D**k Scrub
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Have we become this lazy?!

So first of all, here's a picture of said shoe. Being in LA, I'm assuming that even the homeless are still trying to stay in shape so that they can become a famous actor, which is why they moved here in the first place, didn't succeed and, therefore, became homeless.

In tip top shape (ups)

A while back, a shoe company named Skechers debuted shoes called "shape ups". They were just like any other athletic sneakers but had one gigantic advantage. The shoes were rounded on the sole. With the extra curve, it required the wearer to use more of their ass to balance themselves. Hence the name "shape ups". Now that we're all up to speed I need some help with a few questions. Why did I see a homeless lady in Santa Monica passed out on a bench wearing a pair of these shoes? Where did they get this silly pair of footwear? Why was the lady covering her calves and ass with long pants? Is the homeless population of California really that concerned with the way their ass looks, or do they just want more ass padding for those uncomfortable bus stop benches and cardboard houses they sleep on? Most creative answers will win today's prize.... Guest appearance on next weeks morning show. (your own post)

While we're on the subject...

I'll have to ask my brother, but it seems to me that the top speed on a Prius is 20 mph since no one ever drives one any faster than that. Ever.

2 Cars Per Green Part 2

1. Those ARE welders masks that happen to provide protection from bird flu and other Asian diseases such as cat indigestion and tinycocolytis.

2. In San Jose, the signs should be written in Chinese as "2 CAR YOU GO NOW!"

3. In Los Angeles, the sign should also include a picture of a 65 year old Caucasian man holding money. That would at least get the Asian females to notice it.

2 Cars Per Green

Why is it so hard to understand? When the metering light turns green, the car in front of you, and YOU can go. Has the wonderfully beautiful California sun cooked your brain so much that you cant read tiny little black and white signs at the entrance of the freeways? Or, are all of you driving those Toyota Camerys and Honda Accords actually Asian Females wearing welders masks??????

Everything is Bigger in Texas....

Except the budget for electric golf carts at IAH (George Bush Intercontinental airport) in Houston. I take that back, maybe its not a small budget, but a couple of bad apples who ruined the bunch. Let me set the scene for you.... It's 5AM CST at IAH, I'm walking through the terminal and I hear a person not yelling, but loudly speaking "beap" "beap" "beap". I turned around expecting to see some jackass with a big suitcase. Instead I find an electric cart driven by an employee of IAH, transporting some non-crippled non-frequent flyers who are too inept to walk on their own. Can they not afford to fix the horns? Did some angry ill-tempered driver "lay on the horn" a little too long. Either way its a story that didn't end well. Beep moves no one, "HONK" does, but I'm sure the same cry baby who complained about the horn, also said "HONK" was offensive. When walking through an airport; use your legs, move fast and grow a pair, or buy an ipod (and then a wheelchair).

I didn't get crabs...just cuts.

I've been to that red light district and that's the same girl I took back to my hotel. She wasn't worth it though. I had her on her back and she just kept watching tv. Maybe I should've put the tv on her left side.

Best appetizer since "bacon wrapped pork stuffed with ham"

In my never ending search for all things Pig, I may have found an appetizer that gets right to the point with out having to pull any punches. Any future relationship will only have a chance at being my second love, for my happy heart has already been completed by "Pint o Bacon". Hope no one is starring at my pants right now!?!

Red light district, Old news!

I've never been to Amsterdam, but I sure have heard a lot about the naked women soliciting sex in the red light district. Well I found a better place thats closer and safer for you and your health. South Beach Miami FL. On Collins Ave between 17th and Lincoln. Leave your condoms and worries at home and enjoy the "plastic light district"!!! p.s. her name is Candy and she is sweet!

LOLROTFRARIMWC!!

For you non-accessible chatters, that's 'laughing out loud, rolling on the floor round and round in my wheel chair'.

We're going to hell for sure.

Hope they have a chair lift.

My legs aren't tired at all!!!

So last night I had the pleasure of attending the last home game of the playoff bound San Jose Sharks. The Last home game of the year is a big deal, its "Fan Appreciation Night". They must have have given away 20 jerseys, 8 sets of concert tix, a ton of GC's and the list goes on. Nobody in my seats, row or section won anything. But one "special" fan across the arena did. Section 206, Row WCA, seat 5. WCA, you ask????? Wheel Chair Accessible, in section 206. Seat 5? That's the interesting part.. I would have just listed it as SEC 206, Row WCA, Seat "brought your own"

This is kinda catchy...

When Chuck Norris takes a shit, he takes yours.

My turn...

The saying "what goes around comes around" was shortened from "whatever goes around disrespecting Chuck Norris, will comes a round house toward the face" by people who were too scared that the original version would disrespect Chuck Norris, a round house would be headed their way!

Let me try one...

When you and Chuck Norris are in a Subway and you order a $5 footlong, you give Chuck Norris 10 bucks.

Walker Ranger in Texas

I just got a great new book..."The Truth About Chuck Norris". Here's an excerpt:

"Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one."

This stuff just writes itself...

This is a snapshot of an actual menu to Pomona Mining Company...a steakhouse with a great view of Orange County. One can obviously see why I tried to make a reservation here since they have a Glory Hole. That would have been a mouthful, but the dish actually comes with asparagus spears and a bearnaise sauce. Really?! Oh, come on!!

I think the picture speaks for itself...

I was in Pottery Barn the other day and the girl I was with really liked this lamp. I didn't have the heart to tell her that that's the only way Mrs. Jolly Green Giant can hide her gigantic dildo. Ho, Ho, Ho indeed.

Fecal Face Dot Gallery

I'm not sure what kind of establishment this is. I'm also not sure if I even want to know. But, it wouldn't surprise me to find Indian people celebrating their culture and faith with poop on their foreheads.

Best Idea EVER

What would make a bloody mary better? (Well aside from not having the memories of the previous night that you're trying to drink away). Add bacon, lettuce, tomato, and bread with mayo on the side. I salute you Hash Hash A Go Go! You have captured all I want in a drinkable alcoholic breakfast sandwich. I could have used some celery though. Just sayin'

Is it just me, or...

do midgets have really big asses?

Blind people cant see the future

Would you believe me if I told you that most blind people hate hybrid cars? Word is they're scared they might walk in front of one because they are so quiet, almost silent. Pretty sure I've never seen a crushed dog in a harness under a Prius or a red and white walking stick smashed into pieces around the tires of a Civic hybrid. If I'm getting around 50 miles to the gallon and super concerned about stretching every ounce of fuel, that last thing I want to do is drag a blind man and his harnessed dog down the street. Friction alone would drop me to at least 30 MPG. And don't get me started on poor aerodynamics

What a girl wants.....

Funny you bring up length. Just the other day you had to clear something up for me, and I'm glad you did. I had been telling people that for me; from largest to smallest it went pubes, balls, penis. Apparently I had things out of sorts and order. You'll be happy to know I decided to do a little switch-a-roo. I might have ruined my facial hair trimmer and wasted a bunch of time with swinging weights but now it goes PENIS, balls, pubes. Success!

WTF??!!

This woman has...

A. Just found out that Chicago was not chosen to host the 2016 Olympic Games.
B. Just realized she wasted 2 hours reading this blog.

or

C. Just learned that when my cohost told her 8 inches, it was how long the erection lasts, not how long it is. And that his elementary school taught time in units of length.

Honey, do I look salty in this?

I also notice that half the cans are regular SPAM and half are 25% less sodium.

Kind of a HIS and HERS gift pack.

Just in time for the holidays...

So the Valley Faire Safeway sells a SPAM gift package?!

This is the perfect gift for that "hard to shop for" Hawaiian friend whose only two interests are illegal porn that can't be shipped from Bangkok, and actually banging kok.

From hawaii to grocery outlet with love

Turns out the dirtiest, poorest and absolute worst super market chain out there has a direct supply line from the islands. Just in time for the holidays, a gift set with 1,000,000 times your recommended daily intake of sodium and a press to pair it with rice. Too bad they don't have a press that cuts penis shapes....See earlier posts :Monday December 8th 2008.

Trick or Treat...or just turning Tricks

Looks like my domestic partner/co host has to look no further for this year's Halloween costume than this Burger "King". He's even already got the God awful beard to go with it. Just spray on some BK Flame and he'll be ready to hit Boy's Town as the King Daddy.

Just don't ask him to show you his sceptor.

Dr. Who?

And it's "Tila"..."Tia" means "actually possessing talent"

"Table"? Is that what Tila is calling her vagina these days?

I Dont Support Domestic Violence

But I love to watch a no holds barred 3 round table match in which to win, you must slam your opponent through a table. Good luck Tia Tequila!

Crips always come out on top.

In all things politically correct or gang related the Crips always seem to be the winners. Been to T.G.I. Friday's lately? They're all laid out the same. Bar in the center, upper level seating, covered indoor patio and that really cool old phone booth. I remember always wanting to use that phone booth to call Dr. Who. I never made that call...and now I never will. Thanks Crips!?!

Mornings

Nothing's better than waking up with a hot cup o' joe.

And coffee is good too.

ONE NIGHT ONLY

Even John Wilkes Booth would kill for one...

I suppose this new blue fat seat could also be considered a "booth" by the so called insecure couples. These are the same ones who turn a rectangular table for two 90 degrees to "create" their own booth for two. Usually only happens in places like Oakridge (or any town with the word "Oak" in it) with guys who have baggie jeans and gold chains. It's sorta like marking their property. It's a whole lot better than him urinating on her before the appetizers arrive.

I guess in this world of LOL, TTYL and ROTF's some of us just want a little PDA.

For when Jared rode the subway instead of eating one

I saw this last night on Chelsea Live and wanted to share it with you. In Brazil they have started to install these new chairs in subway stations for those who are slightly heavier. Not only does the obvious blue color coding target you as a fatty, but I thought white makes you look thinner?

Also, take careful notice of where the seat is bolted to the floor. Yes, right below the fat seat. I call this style of engineering the "see-saw theorem of mass potential".

Ugly people with low self asteem

You know who requests a booth? People who are insecure. The guys that are afraid that if their girlfriend has anything else besides them to look at, they will. LOSERS. Contrastley the people who request a table are either too fat to squeeze into a booth or... want something, anything that could possibly give them a distraction from their date. I know in OUR case we couldn't care less. As long as the establishment serves food and alcohol were fine. Our dates will look like supermodels in the end. OH! and we will fall asleep before any of that matters anyway.

Bitter, party of one

When I open my own restaurant, I'm going to name it "Booths" and every table will be a booth and all we will sell are booths...because apparently that's all people want in a restaurant.

In fact, even the bathroom will be just one long booth with holes cut into them.

Just because it's illegal, doesn't mean it's wrong

I'm sure you're right. Sometimes your mom sat in the back with you.

TFLN to good for me

Turns out Text From Last Night is to good to post my submissions. I thought they were funny. Others thought the were disgusting. You be the judge.......

(412). I just peed into an empty Sobe bottle in the back seat of my car while my girlfriend drove me home with my mom in the passenger seat. Drunk White Trash

(425). I just threw up a little bit in my mouth

(412). YUCK. It's a family affair!

Who doesn't think that's funny? By the way, I had just consumed a few too many drinks at a baseball game. It's not like I did that all the time or sat myself in the back seat everytime three of us went anywhere.

And you thought I was dead...

Sometimes you just need a break, From everything! Back now! not full time but surely part time. to post, insult, rant, complain, and embarrass.

I Don't Remember Any of That!

Just because I think my cohost may get a kick out of this website, I'm posting it here:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Unfortunately, I could have placed this on my other pages, but he has a phobia of myspace, twitter, facebook and any girl without male genitalia.

Here's a sample:

"I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore."

Only because I ran out of regular...

Decaf coffee is the cocktease of the java world.

Just wonderin'

Is it gay...if you just hold it?

Twuper Tweet...

Btw, I also spent June trying to figure out this twitter thing everyone's on these days. So far all I've figured out is that Ashton Kutcher has a hell of a lot of time on his hands when he's not busy dusting off his wife's vulva. Well, if you want to see me twitter my twaint and twat then twollow me at http://twitter.com/misterzer0.

Where the fuck did June go?!

Wow, it's been over a month since our last post. We were pretty busy getting our gay innuendo on in good ole Seattle. The first time...well, you never forget it. So, I'm back from vacation, got a full bottle of anti-depressants and ready to blog ahead into the great wide gaping unknown that I like to call my "co-host's chocolate starfish".

Self Parkers!

So my cohost and I went to a Sunday Sparkling Wine Brunch this weekend at the posh Castaway Restaurant in the upper crust Burbank Hills, which turned out to be a delightful find. My '95 Civic barely made it up the steep hill and as I pulled up I asked the valet if there was self parking. After looking at my car and the BMW behind me he gladly pointed me in the right direction. That direction happened to be down the hill behind the restaurant which is apparently also the employee parking, delivery area and trash dump. Not surprisingly, every car was either a Taurus or a Kia and I swear there was a guy with a cart selling pork rinds and kids swatting at a pinata. All of it worth the $3.50 I saved.

Depeche Mode Tour Dates Cancelled

I heard on the radio that Depeche Mode was back on tour but had to cancel some dates because lead singer David Gahan was ill. The details that were given..."complications associated with explosive diarrhea". Ruined shorts? Immediate loss of friends? Mud butt? Messy drivers seat? Burned out "O" ring? No more underwear in one piece? Toilet paper deficit? You name the reason, it could have been any one, or all of them. I'm no PR guy or Publicist, But it definitely wasn't just "stomache flu."

Asian + one + one more = Eiffel Tower

Glad to hear that I was indeed invited to the wedding and I hope the wedding party is an attractive one. I hear that at most weddings they are more willing for one night stands since they tend to feel a bit lonely. Well my friend, just remember, you have someone back home waiting for you so I have first dibs on whichever groomsman is willing to go through with it. I'll be sure to put a hanger on the door to make sure you don't disturb us. But, knowing you, you'll think it's an abortion clinic and walk right in to protest.

Politically Incorrect

Oops! In my last post I made a reference to 'Midget Porno'. I didn't mean to offend anyone and if I did, I'm very sorry. I should have used the term midget adult films.

Short films

One time I auditioned to be in a Midget Porno. Unfortunately, even their cocks were bigger.

The problem with ringtones

Not sure what part of "I'm with my girl" was unclear, but last night I heard 'Crocket's Theme' ringing on my phone. The quickest way for me to lose an erection is by picturing a tall, skinny, bearded Jew sitting in front of his PS3 in boxers. Oy Vey.

Great News For Us

I got Nick and Krystal's wedding invitation in the mail today. It only had space for me, so I texted them to clarify. You are invited as my "plus one". Better pick out a good wedding gift. I already have mine. Its going to be cash, in an envelope, that equals the amount spent for one person to attend.(save the date magnet, invitation+stamps, RSVP+included stamps, reception and [fingers crossed] OPEN BAR. See you in Washington, when we can be together again, my little Asian plus one.

A show thats worse

I really didn't know that "24" was so highly rated. I never actually got into it. Kiefer Sutherland was never a real draw for me. I get the concept 1 day=24 hours, 24 episodes an hour each. But each episode is real time 60 minutes? I understand him fighting crime, world terrorists, or what ever without sleeping, but when does he shit? A whole day without one number 2! If I were the lead, and the show was still on network television, they would have to call it 22 and a half. The sheer visits alone not to mention the length (of time, not stool) would take at least 90 minutes. Call me FX

This...is...SPARTA!!! If 'sparta' was Latin for 'gay'.

And don't forget the advertising dollars from IKEA, Asia SF, Trojan and Price Fister. Yes, I meant to leave out the extra "P". Who ever thought we'd make it to 100 posts let alone 200. That's reason to celebrate, but let's not forget to raise our glasses to the true heroes here...our fans, most of whom have to spend hours sifting through the rubble to find that one joke that may have actually been a little somewhat tad bit wee funny. Penis.

200th post celebration

I cant believe it's been 200 hundred posts already! I also cant believe that to help us celebrate, Blogger has offered us a money making opportunity. The bill above would be payment for an entire year of advertisers ransacking our blog with spots for $5 footlongs, unlimited tans, and car insurance from a gecko carrying a wad of cash with eyes on it. The 200 Ruble bill is from 1993 and is only worth 6.10072 US Dollars. Hey! Turns our our value is entirely intangible......not worthless, like mom says.

Err, excuse me, but...

The Simpsons are not exactly pulling in the ratings these days. In last week's Nielsen ratings, Family Guy ranked 14th behind Idol and Fringe with 24 coming in after. That "Bart" show was nowhere to be found. Stewie is the ultimate badass. Sorry.

electric cellist Marston Smith

No trip to Palm Springs is complete without a trip to the Thursday night street fair. It includes food, crafts, jerky, nick naks, and He-Man wearing a sweatband and gold chest plate, playing a cello powered by electricity. Note in the forefront the high powered fan (normally used for drying carpet and floor) blowing his golden locks into air behind him.
Send all complaints and "CD orders" to... marstonsmith@charter.net

schedge

All lowercase, no parenthesis, just the brink of pop culture. No one call Websters or anything just yet, but listen to my case.

Schedge [skej] n- slang, abbreviation for schedule. Used mostly by people of whom English is a second language. see schedule.

You see, after hearing it in the restaurants of California for months, I and other managers incorporated into our vernacular. "I need time to finish my..., Let me look at my.., and the most often heard... Hey! whats up with the Schedge. Now it can be heard on 30Rock (NBC's top rated show) and the Simpsons (FOX's ONLY rated show other than idol). Who do I see about a footnote?

My Foreign Affairs Policy

If I were president I would have a revolutionary foreign policy. Free plane tickets from Mexico to Afghanistan, Iraq and North Korea. I'll even pay for fake passports and visas. Swine Flu masks, inoculation and immunizations not included!

Or maybe...

the blog got a hold of the fact that when I was younger, while the other kids were bobbing for apples, I was bobbing for sausages.

I could have sworn I had those tapes destroyed...or turned in to the FBI.

I hate moving

So I was wondering for about a week now who was viewing our blog from West Hollywood. A new follower perhaps. Then I realized it was me. Is the blog so powerful, so all knowing that it reviewed my posts, determined my sexual orientation and moved my zip code to the homosexual capital of California? Sort of like when my TiVo kept recommending 'Queer as Folk' and any show playing on Logo.

Why would they be in a karaoke bar anyway?

I kind of think it's in poor taste to sign "Don't Stop Believin'" to a group of deaf people. Bringing their hopes up like that...sigh. And the last thing I want to hear in a bar is a deaf person singing "Doon Smop Bigeeenin".

It must be a "sign"

Not an eight sided, red piece of metal that says stop. Not when you're thinking about your ex and your "song" comes on the radio. Not when you have a nightmare about a plane crash, deboard and then it crashes. More like... Dirty karaoke bar, one microphone, two people. The two stand uncomfortably apart as the "don't stop believing" piano solo starts up. The guy looks as if going to sing alone...."just a small town girl....". His partner (at the command of her shouting friends in the crowd "SIGN LANGUAGE".) She starts it up as well [arms only]. Nothing funnier than the guy belting it out as she struggles to keep up, laughing hysterically and almost falling from the stage flailing arms and all.

Top 5 Asian karaoke songs...

1. Ruck Be A Rady
2. The Rook of Rove
3. Rove In An Erebator
4. Reabing On A Jeto Prane
5. Ribin' Ra Bida Roca

I was young and needed the money...

True, but that was featured only once...in my Bangkok premiere "Fists of Fury".

THAT BIG = THAT WIDE and stretched out

Yes it is that big. But why, even as a gay porn name would you advertise that you can fit two hands up there?

Its THAT big...

If I were a gay porn star my stage name would be "Dos Manos".

But do they make it with soy milk?

Starbucks just introduced their Hot Carlmel Dark Chocolate Macchiatto. A creamy mix of vanilla, chocolate and whatever your Barista had for dinner the night before. Best if ordered steaming, of course. And, there's no need for a lid...just let it ooze right down your throat.

Mmmm, make mine a Venti!

Kink

I met a girl the other night at a bar in Hollywood. We came back to my place and things got real hot and heavy in the bedroom. Then she asked me if I was into scat. I told her I totally was and then I threw a plate at her head and watched it scatter all over the place.

It is my favorite...

Why else do you think I date guys from Oakland.

And what's the picture of the two beer bottles have to do with any of this?

Jesse's Favorite

If you like it extra dark, extra big and extra cheap.... This ones for you....Double Black Stout.

Prized for their friction

Your missing the best attribute of the "Steel Toe Hoss". They provide the highest amount of friction among all slip resistant footwear. I'd give you all the specs in one concise rant, me being the SFC expert I am, but i'll spare you the earache. Instead I'll let you decide how much friction you really want, when all you are wearing are the boots and you and your bedroom are covered in half a bottle of water resistant lube.

Moving the comment to a post, for easier access

Funky Tina Cantina was bought out by that English pub...Ye Ole Bloody Canal.

Ring Toss

Now available from Shoes For Crews...the Steel Toe Hoss with detchable cock ring! And it comes with two rings, perfect for a swordfight in the morning.

I already ordered mine...in a size 14.

They should've used balsa wood

And I remember The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub. That's where we met. Except yours is so small one has to put their lips through the glory hole so you can reach.

Of course, I shouldn't talk. Both of ours together would make it the size it should be.

The other day...

I went into Subway to get a $5 footlong. I was disappointed to find out it's a sandwich.

I think...

it may have been at the Redi & Taykit Room.

That bar used to be the Watering Hole, but are now under new management.

Bottom five "you know what" bars

5. Fairy's
4. Pat's
3. (mu)Stash
2. Cavern Tavern
1. The Glory Hole in the Wall Pub

P.S....... I think I saw those monkey ass snacks at the Redi Room

Sukebe desu ne!

Another great product from Japan...this one is some kind of curly corn snack of sorts that are best when sucked on. Whatever it is the package suggests something else. If I could read Japanese I would guess that the name of the snack is Curry Rice Crackers...or Anal Rape.

Top 5 "you know what" Bar Names...

1. Man Hole
2. One-Eyed Jacks
3. Meat Me At Joes
4. Spears
5. The Salty Stream

And you forgot...

"...or ON the girls".

You know those Japanese...such pervs.

Wait wait wait

So it's a portable bathroom device? In the shape of a milk carton? So I get it, girls couldn't use it. But why would they? Women's restrooms in Japan are just tiled holes in the ground. My real question is, if it's shaped like a milk carton, does it also have missing persons on the side? Like a Japanese guy with a word bubble that says "missing, my ability to pee on a tree or in a hole like the girls".

And you thought Oakridge was ghetto...

Next time we're in Seattle, we'll be sure to stop in to this Pacific Northwest institution, around for 25 years. It'll be perfect, a Jap and a JAP tyring on pimp wear. We won't be able to keep the girls off of us. I'll even pick up some rubbers while we're there...you know, Magnums.

Believe it or not, this commercial is real. It's not an SNL digital short or a follow up to 30 Rocks' 1-800-OKFACE ad. I couldn't believe what I was seeing that one late night in Seattle when 'Showtime at the Apollo' went to commercial.

Watersports

My brother just came back from Japan and brought back these amazing pictures. Can you figure out what the product is? Is it a big yellow milk carton? A condom for men with rectangular shaped cocks? Or, is it a portable toilet? If you chose curtain number 3 then you are correct! Oh those crazy Japs. With my uncontrollable bladder I could've used this many a time. I'm just not sure how the little girl is supposed to use it...unless maybe it comes with a straw and funnel.

Chinese fire drill

A couple days ago I was stopped at a traffic light and saw a joke in real life. A Rav 4 pulled up next to me and came to a stop. Three Asian girls exited the vehicle, ran around the car, and then got back in through different doors. I thought it was a "Chinese fire drill" but under closer inspection all the girls were Vietnamese. The only reason could tell.....they all were wearing bibs and had little puppies under the arms who were frantically trying to run away before being given and extra hot pho bath in the kitchen.

For Loves A Good H Hot Carl...

Should I put this on the lost and found log? And after 30 days, can I claim it or do I have to donate it to Goodwill? Also can staff leave this at the desk or does it have to go in a locker? I could go on forever. Oh, and we bought it with a CPO...we had to...our burr mixer went down on a Saturday night.

Beer for Jews

You can't tell from the picture but the bottle is in the shape of a deridel. You can't put it down without spilling. I hear its a hard to find delicious malty beer with a smooth finish that one would crucify for.

What happened to us after one too many..

...at a champagne brunch in Santa Monica.

Which...

is what I do with my internet connection. The last thing I want to happen while I'm in a chatroom is for a hacker to find out that 'beckyeatsmeat' is really an asian divorcee in Santa Monica posing as a thai tranny hooker in a pink babydoll and 5 inch heels and a collar that says 'slut'. Better they think I'm in Tajikistan.

Unless.........

....you have some weird device that hides your signal from wire tapping by bouncing it off satellites and towers in other countries. Which would explain a lot more.

The Widget reveals all

You know that widget you put in the blog that shows the live feed? We have seem to draw quite a few listeners from other countries. But it seems they all come on through google and read "that's some fukt porn" first. And I thought we had some issues. Really, who goes to a random website and watches a random sex video of hunting and intercourse on top of each other?

And finally...

Tonight's dessert...creme filled cannolis covered in a chocolate fudge ganache.

Goodnight.

Or...

Let's hope we're not in Little Italy.

Another acceptable retort...

I sure hope Buca is serving that 'family style'.

When were you outside my bedroom window?

That's the sign I light up when I like to pretend I'm in the Red Light District and display my spicy tuna roll for all the passersby. It's best when it's got that 'angry' look in it's eye.

If this pic is from the Buca at Oakridge then all I wish is that I fell and spilled my cream in front of this sign. Then that story would be truly gay.

Look what Buca di Beppo is selling now

My co-host once told me somethings are just to good to pass up. I'm sure if he knew where I took this picture he would push down anyone in his way including women and children to get inside this restaurant. My girlfriend also said "they're selling, I'm buying". You might have some competition on your hands. Good luck to both of you. Word of advice... if your running full speed trying to get there first, WATCH YOUR EYES! (and hair if you win)